Symptoms of Depression, Including Personal Reflections, & Thoughts about Anxiety

In previous entries re:  mental health & depression, I've usually advised going to credible web sites for descriptions of depression, as well as lists of symptoms. For your convenience [because that's just the kind of guy I am], I've taken it upon myself to provide the following list of symptoms & the description that follows from the Mayo Clinic's web site, which I heartily recommend. My comments are interspersed [which are highly personal & not meant to be taken as professional advice].

Symptoms

• "Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness [Perhaps in my case based summed up by the phrase "What's the use?"]
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters [My beloved spouse would vote a resounding AYE to increased "irritability," & she would be right.]
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports [Hobbies? What hobbies?]
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much [I experienced lots of sleeping problems, primarily insomnia in the form waking up w/racing thoughts, followed by difficulty falling back asleep. There is medication that helps with this; medication which has side effects, but that might be a topic for a separate entry.]
• Tiredness & lack of energy so even small tasks take extra energy
• Changes in appetite--often reduced appetite & weight loss, but increased cravings for food & weight gain in some people [I always envied people who lost their appetites when they were stressed. I always had the opposite problem. Interestingly, I've lost a lot of weight while on "sabbatical."]
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness [One of my clinical diagnosis is a "general anxiety disorder," which seems to go hand-in-hand w/the depression.]
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements 
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility [At District Worker Conferences I watched w/envy--no, I'm not proud of myself--as educators from around the Nebraska District were honored for example as Educator of the Year. I LONGED for an opportunity such as that, & it finally appeared possible in 2004. I was nominated. I also recognized that I was entering a deeply depressive state, subsequently confirmed by a psychiatrist. At the All Professional Workers Conference that afternoon, while Lois & I were at the motel, prior to that evening's banquet, I expressed to her my total lack of enthusiasm for this award. I told her that I was totally unworthy of such an award & hoped & prayed that any of the other nominees would get it. After all, every single one of them was far & beyond a worthier recipient than I was. If I received the award, I would be exposed as the total undeserved fraud that I knew I was. I absolutely dreaded going to that banquet, but of course we went, & I received the award. I have the plaque. There was absolutely no joy in it for me. Am I grateful for it? I supposed I should be. I can't help but think that in part this was the Lord's way of humbling me. In any case, to this day there's a side of me that feels cheated, because I had coveted that award, & when I received it, there was no rejoicing, no satisfaction whatsoever on my part. Seems fair somehow.]
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions & remembering things [I definitely can relate to this one. I've experienced lots of trouble w/short-term memory, but this is also a side effect of both sleeping medication & anti-depressants. Trouble concentrating became an issue for me, as well. Lois noticed for example that it was taking me much, much longer to do something as simple as read the newspaper.]
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide [This is one of the scarier symptoms. I don't remember ever feeling suicidal. I do know what it's like to feel so apathetic that one doesn't really care anymore, i.e., "Lord, you can take me any time. Doesn't really matter. I'm not looking to die, but maybe it would be just as well." That's a sign of dysfunctional thinking.]
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches [In hindsight, it seems like I've had more issues with back pain during depressive cycles, so it makes me think there's a correlation. Maybe it's that I'm more sensitive or have less tolerance for it, since I do have genuine back problems. The cluster headaches that have plagued me off & on since the late '90s are another story, because the research linking this type of headache w/stress & depression is inconclusive. I do believe that the severe cycle of cluster headaches I experienced in the spring & early summer of 2013 contributed to my eventual burnout by November 2014. They impeded my sleep, left me unable to complete work expediently & effectively, led to over-medicating {side effects included fogginess, memory problems, & I was the one over-medicating myself, not the doctors}, & digging myself into an ever-deepening hole that I eventually couldn't dig myself out of.]

"For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Other people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why."
          My clinical depression was first officially diagnosed in 2004 or 2005. In November 2014, I was officially declared medically disabled, due to clinical depression & a general anxiety disorder. In layperson's terms, I was burned out, & I continue to be on disability for those reasons. I've had other depressive cycles in the past, but I've always been able to bounce back and/or cope with them. For whatever reason this time around, it's taking quite a bit longer. Both my psychiatrist & therapist agree I've made a lot of progress, & I feel the same way, but we also agree that progress still needs to be made. Why so much longer this time? Hmmm. Perhaps a topic for another blog one day.

Reason for Anxiety? You be the judge!

Excerpt from Norfolk Daily News 8/21/15):  "Federal employees w/sensitive jobs used cheating site. U.S. government employees w/sensitive jobs in national security or law enforcement were among hundreds of federal workers found to be using government networks to access & pay membership fees to the cheating website Ashley Madison, The AP has learned." [Did you catch that? "National security or "law enforcement"? And by AP we're talking Associated Press, not Animal Planet!]

This morning I was up early. I knew from the forecast that we had a good shot at winning a Leckband Temperature Challenge, so @ 6:30a, CDT, I did a quick check. Sure enough! We rated 1st w/a low temp of 44 F. Sanborn, IA, finished a close 2nd w/a temp of 45. Unfortunately, due to a set of circumstances beyond my control, I had no opportunity to post an official Temp Challenge until 9:23a, by which time the following ratings were recorded by the NOAA web site (all temps in F):  1) Sanborn, IA, 54; 2) Tie: Eagan, MN; Norfolk, NE, 56; 4) Beatrice, NE, 58; 5) Tie: Garrison, IA; Lincoln, NE, 61. I experienced unwarranted anxiety between 6:30-9:23, because I had a gut feeling we would be cheated out of a 1st place finish. Sure enough, we were. 

Good News for Those Who Suffer from Anxiety?

Excerpt from Lincoln Journal Star (8/5): From Ask the Food Doc--Bob Hutkins. "Q: My go-to-strategy for dealing w/stress is to eat chocolate. It seems to work. Is there any science behind this? A: Let's be honest, would it really matter if there was or was not a scientific basis for eating chocolate for any reason? That being said, I have very good news for you. Several recent studies do suggest that dark chocolate, in particular, might reduce your stress level & provide other related benefits." [And that's when I stopped reading, just on the chance that I might stumble across later caveats, i.e., if you eat more that 1 oz/day, you increase your likelihood of heart disease by 1 gazillion %.]

Since I am on "sabbatical," I will not have an occasion to take as many professional trips, hence, not as many hotel stays, hence, not as many opportunities to harvest hotel soap. * I've been concerned--what happens when my supply is depleted? I noted recently that I was down to my last 7 bars of hotel soap. Then I remembered a shoebox full of hotel soap on a shelf in our bedroom closet. I think David & Carmen were responsible for gifting me most of its contents, but other faithful family members have contributed. Just for fun I did a quick census this morning. There are 76 bars of hotel soap in reserve. My anxiety was put to rest. For now. * For those of you who don't know, I "collect" hotel soap, shampoo, & conditioner. You might want to keep that in mind the next time you're on a road trip & looking for a cheap yet inexpensive but thoughtful gift for me. **
** I have no shame.