Months ago, my daughter Sarah gave me a book that she thought would be good for me. The book is The Gifts of Imperfection," by Brene' Brown, Ph.D. L.M.S.W. (Hazelden, 2010). I started reading it, set it aside, picked it up, set it aside again, & just now picked it up after a long hiatus. [Another word I love to use.] Here are some insights I've gained from it, along w/my comments.
"Knowledge is important, but only if we're being kind & gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are." My comment: I think I've learned a lot about myself while on "sabbatical," & I think I still have a long way to go. Is it helpful? Not sure, because I can be my greatest enemy, since I have a habit of beating myself up over past failures.
"And perhaps the most painful lesson of that day hit me so hard that it took my breath away: It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have." I don't think I was a particularly good father, & I don't blame anyone but myself.
"People may call what happens at midlife 'a crisis,' but it's not. It's an unraveling--a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're 'supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be & to embrace who you are." Several thoughts:
- When I was serving @ Lincoln Lutheran in 1993 & struggling w/the call to serve @ the LHS of Hawaii, Neil Sandfort, our NE District Education Executive, a man whose wisdom I respected very much, pointed out that I was 40 & maybe should take that into consideration as I prayerfully considered where the Lord would have me serve.
- Maybe what I'm experiencing now--my "sabbatical"--is definitely an unraveling & could be considered my "midlife crisis." If that means I'm destined to live into my 120's, however, I want nothing to do with that line of reasoning.
- "A time when you are challenged by the universe?" I would prefer to think of it as a time when you are being challenged or tested by the Lord.
The author describes outcomes of her own "time of unraveling:" ". . . I feel different. I feel joyful & real. I'm still afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something has changed--I can feel it in my bones. I was healthier, more joyful, & more grateful than I had ever felt. I felt calmer & grounded, & significantly less anxious. I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected w/my family & friends in a new way, & most important, felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.
"I learned how to worry more about how I felt & less about 'what people might think.' I was setting new boundaries & began to let go of my need to perform, & perfect. I started saying no rather than sure (and being resentful & pissed off later). I began to say 'oh, hell yes!' rather than 'Sounds fun, but I have lots of work to do' or 'I'll do that when I'm _____ {thinner, less busy, better prepared}.'" [I relate to almost everything she says here. For sure, part of my burnout phases {I'm pretty sure I've had more than one} have included saying "sure" to too many requests. This led to taking on way too many responsibilities, which stretched me to & beyond a breaking point. Why did I do this to myself? (1) A powerful ego & need for recognition. (2) Church worker's syndrome. (3) A false thinking that some things, at least in my ministry, could only be done or at least done well by me. I paid the price.]
For Those Suffering from Anxiety: Good News & Bad News
Excerpt from Parade Magazine (3/29/15, a little dated, to be sure): From "Ask Marilyn, by Marilyn vos Savant. (Q.) I haven't heard one of those wonderfully low, deep male voices in years. Are the hormones in foods affecting the voices of men? Jan from S.C. (A.) Men's voices are not known to be changing, & the hormones in food plants & animals wouldn't affect them, anyway . . . " [Marilyn vos Savant is supposed to be the world's smartest woman, & why she writes a Q & A column for Parade Magazine continues to vex me, but re: this answer, I am not necessarily reassured, because I think my voice has changed, & if it can't be from hormones in foods, now what?]
Excerpt from Omaha World Herald (5/31/15, also a little dated, I KNOW): "With every message you type, Facebook is stalking you. Most of us don't give much thought to exactly where we are while we're tapping out a text message or posting an Instagram. But wherever you go online, & whatever you do, you're actually leaking little rivulets of data--digital breadcrumbs that could be used to track you . . . " [Wait . . . what?]
Another from OWH (8/7): "Oreo-Maker is latest Big Food company targeted for shake-up. The maker of Oreo cookies appears again to be the target for a shake-up as Big Food companies scramble to transform amid changing tastes." [I couldn't bring myself to continue reading. The thought of anything happening to my beloved Oreos? Too stressful!]
One more from OWH 8/10: Couldn't help but note in the sports section that the KC Royals swept the White Sox over the weekend & are 11 1/2 game in 1st place in the American League Central. That's more like it.]
Excerpt from Lincoln Journal Star (8/2/15): "Aging sea snails aid memory loss research. Just in case sea snails aren't slow enough, new research has found that they get more sluggish when they grow old--& the discovery is helping us to understand how memory loss happens in humans . . . " [Sea snails? Seriously?! Wait a minute . . . What were we discussing?]
Also from LJS (8/4): "Feeling stressed & anxious? Try an aquarium. Maybe its the sluggishly moving fish, maybe it's the slowly waving seaweed. Whatever it is, aquariums have the power to reduce stress, new research has found. [This makes me optimistic. I love aquariums. The aquarium at the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha is pretty cool, although not as cool as the Monterrey Bay Aquarium in CA. Plus, I can relate to "sluggishly moving" fish. Maybe I need to buy a zoo membership. Dept. of Imaginary for Foreseeable Conversations: ME: Hey, Lois, check out this article. I think I should buy a zoo membership. LOIS: It's a 2-hour drive one-way to Omaha. ME: How is that relevant? LOIS: The answer is 'no.' ME: But . . . LOIS: Shut up. And I mean that in a loving way.]
Overheard on Laura Ingraham radio talk show (8/6): She said, "25% of teens who spend 2 or more hours on social media per day end up with serious mental health issues." She went on to include in this category texting, Facebooking, Instagraming, blogging, tweeting, & more. [What about 62-year-old men?]
Still Concerned about Staying Busy *
Also from LJS (8/2/15): "Never too old to jump for joy. Age doesn't keep these vaulters from aiming high. The Tao of pole vaulting is beyond comprehension. Run as fast as you can, put a long stick in the ground & fling your body, using the tick a a bow of sorts, & let go. Land on your back & go do it again. William Eaton & Alex Meyer are 2 perfect examples of crazy pole vaulters. The two were part of the State Games of America track & field competition SAT at Lincoln High.
"'We're all a little off, probably,' said Meyer, who cleared 5' & won his age group--he was the only one. 'But it's a great sport.'
"Eaton, 64, pole vaulted in high school @ Lincoln Southeast. He won the state title @ 14'. He earned a scholarship to Arizona State & cleared 16'6". [I pole vaulted in high school. My best vault in practice was 11', which would have been a school record. My best vault in a meet was 10'6", if I remember correctly. Maybe pole-vaulting would be a good hobby to consider?! Then I remember that I landed on my back once . . . on the edge of an inflatable landing pit, which knocked the breath out of me. I was never the same vaulter after that.]
* Just to refresh your memory, I continue to be on an indefinite medical leave of absence, due to ongoing issues re: chronic, clinical depression & general anxiety, plus some other issues that are none of your business.
A good reminder which I have heard often, "Don't beat yourself up." I think I have told you that my kids and Bonnie often remind me: "Remember what the 'NO' in Noack means!" when I am about to take on just one more thing. At retirement I resolved to not be involved in more than six activities or commitment's at one time, such as Alumni Council, Handbells, Brass ensemble, a committee....etc. and that if someone asked me to get involved in another activity I had to determine that if I took on that new responsibility I would have to give up one of my previous commitments. That has been a tremendous help plus negated my feeling of guilt, realizing there are probably other people out there who could do some of the things I was being asked to do.
ReplyDeleteAnother wise person said that you have to remember there are 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week. If you say 'yes' to something you have to determine what you are going to give up because that 'yes' is going to take up some of your time during that week. It may be sleep....it may be time with your wife or family.....it may be 'whatever' plus it may create a lot more unneeded stress in your life.
Re: "And perhaps the most painful lesson of that day hit me so hard that it took my breath away: It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have." I don't think I was a particularly good father, & I don't blame anyone but myself.
ReplyDeleteYou were and you are a great father, dad. No one's perfect, and you may have made some mistakes, but who hasn't? I spent more than enough time not being a particularly "good" son, but I know you and mom forgive me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm reading another Brene' Brown book as well.
That part of your blog has been nagging at me, too, and I'm glad your son commented as he did. I know I can't be objective, but you have three great kids - and we can't give Lois all the credit! We can all go back and see all the mistakes and missteps we made over the years. Praise God that He sent Jesus to be "good" in our place, that He graciously forgives us, and that He gives us loving families even though we don't deserve them!
ReplyDelete