FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Excerpt from Lincoln Journal Star (7/26/15): "Hormones linked to overeating. "It's late at night and you really just want another of that chocolate cake--even though you're not hungry. Scientists say the phenomenon could be more than just having an overactive sweet tooth. It may be the result of a hormone deficiency in the brain, a discovery that could have implications for obesity down the road. [That's what I've been trying to tell people for years!]
Excerpts from Omaha World Herald (7/3/15, somewhat dated, I know): "You Think This Is Mall Food? Think Again. Westroads joins Omaha restaurant group to create food hall that's 'next step' in dining among the stores.' Gone are the days when Orange Julius & Burger King were all a mall food court had to offer. Shopping centers across the country are aiming to rework the stereotypical mall food court of the 1980s. Omaha's Westroads Mall is no exception. Westroads has partnered with Omaha-based Flagship Restaurant Group to bring ramen, sushi, pizza, tacos & a full-service bar to a new 'food hall' that will replace the mall's existing food court . . . " [Because nothing suggests "Let's go out to eat" like Food Court . . . Wait a minute . . . Did you say, "full-service bar?"]
OWH (7/29): "FDA approves stomach balloon for weight loss. Federal health regulators on Tuesday approved an inflatable medical balloon that aids weight loss by filling up space in the stomach." [Dept. of Imaginary but Foreseeable Conversations: DOCTOR: Mr. Leckband, it appears as if you've gained back most of the weight you've lost over the past year. ME: Blame the hormones, & let's cut to the chase. Tell me what you know about inflatable balloons for the stomach.]
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE NEBRASKA
From Norfolk Daily News (7/6 . . . also a little dated, I know): "Outhouse float returns, along with classic cars. A large crowd turned out Saturday morning to enjoy the 40th annual 4th of July parade put on by the Odd Fellows Lodge of Norfolk--without a hint of controversy . . . The person responsible for a different parade entry also was glad to take part this year. Last year at the parade, Dale Remmich stirred controversy with his float--an outhouse on the back of his pickup that read 'Obama's presidential library' along with a mannequin that some thought represented Obama.
"Some people watching the parade misinterpreted Remmich's intent as racist. It resulted in a firestorm of social media commentary & even visits to Norfolk by representatives of the NAACP. It also, for a time, put the future of the 4th of July parade up in the air.
"This year was a different story. Remmich returned with the same outhouse on the bed of his pickup, although the signs adorning it read 'Help U.S. Heal,' 'Put a Doctor in the House,' & 'Dr. Ben Carson for President.' There was also a sign that read 'Prohibited: racism, bigotry, hatred.' Remmich said the reaction his float received last year was unwarranted & misinterpreted." [Gee, ya think? We even had DOJ officials visit!]
CRIMINAL MINDS
Excerpt from Twin Cities Star Tribune (7/21, sigh, somewhat dated again): "Stolen ATM falls out of getaway van. Snohomish County authorities say two men who stole an ATM from a business made it as far as the parking lot, but the machine fell out of the getaway van . . . Deputies believe the machine fell out of the van when the men drove too fast over a speed bump." [Dept. of Imaginary Conversations: CRIMINAL MASTER-MIND #1: I told YOU to lock the back door! MASTERMIND #2: Well, I told YOU to slow down!]
Excerpts from Norfolk Daily News (7/21, OK, I admit it, it's dated, get over it!): "Drinking with pigs. Police have charged a man w/trespassing, public drunkenness & indecent exposure after he was caught on a neighbor's Pennsylvania farm in the nude, drinking among pigs. Police in Manor Township, Lancaster County, said 64-year-old Larry told them, 'I just like pigs' when they found him in the hog barn recently . . . Police said Henry smelled of alcohol & acknowledged drinking a six-pack of beer while hanging out w/the hogs . . . " [He was MIPPed *.] * Moron in possession w/pigs.
NDN (7/28): "Hogan thanks fans. Hulk Hogan is taking to Twitter in the aftermath of World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. cutting ties w/him amid a report that the wrestling star used racial slurs in a conversation captured on a sex tape. The 61-yr-old reached out to his 1.3 million followers in a series of tweets this weekend, thanking them for their support & saying he was 'overwhelmed by the love . . . '" [I'm not quite sure this qualifies in this category, but . . . Dept. of Imaginary News Conferences: SPOKESPERSON FOR WWE: We've called this news conference to announce that we are cutting all ties w/Hulk Hogan. His use of racial slurs cannot & will not be tolerated. REPORTER: But apparently you have no problem that a sex video with him in it has surfaced. SPOKESPERSON: Uh, I guess not.]
SOMEWHAT CRINGE-WORTHY
OWH (7/4, blah, blah, blah): "Cat's spray fails to put damper on zoo visit. Siberian tiger showers Papillion family with unexpected attention. Skip DeBusk of Papillion said animals will be animals. On Thurssday, a 10-year-old Siberian tiger named Nika sprayed DeBusk's wife, Kyle DeBusk, & their two kids while they were visiting the Henry Doorly Zoo & Acquarium. Kyle had never seen the tiger as active in its cage, so she made sure to get the animal on video. Just as the tiger turned away, it sprayed her & the kids . . . The occurrence follows a video that went viral last month when a gorilla rammed into its cage wall & cracked the glass.
"Dennis Pate, the zoo's director, said the tiger's spray, made mostly of urine, is a form of communication. Tigers will spray vertical objects such as trees or boulders to communicate with other tigers. He said it's similar to when dogs are on walks & constantly sniffing the ground for other animals. 'It's much more than a bathroom break to them,' Pate said. 'It's like reading the newspaper. They can get so much information from sniffing around.'
"The director said that when a tiger lifts its tail, spectators usually have time to move out of the way, but occasionally the spray will reach a zoo visitor." [Sure, blame the PAYING zoo visitor. I think we're beginning to get the picture re: why the Henry Doorly Zoo dropped behind the San Diego Zoo in the national zoo rankings this year.]
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