Criminal Minds, Food for Thought, Thoughtful Advice, Much More

Criminal Minds

Excerpts from Norfolk Daily News (7/29):  "Man jumps in with cougars. An Ohio man who jumped a fence to pet cougars at the Columbus, Ohio, zoo & posted video on You Tube said he jokingly said 'Here, kitty' & moved closer when the animals seemed to respond. 35-yr-old Joshua Newell . . . pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor criminal trespassing charge Wednesday & was found guilty & fined $200." [Dude, cougars tend to respond w/their teeth!]

Also from NDN (8/7):  "Not Tarzan. A man who claimed to be Tarzan was arrested after he allegedly climbed a tree & tried to get into the monkey exhibit at a Southern California zoo." ["But officers, the animals seemed to respond!"]

Excerpt from Omaha World Herald (8/3):  "Rapper arrested after telling fans to jump barricades. Chicago officials say rapper Travis Scott is facing disorderly conduct charges after encouraging fans to jump over security barricades during his performance at Lollapalooza." ["But officers, my fans seemed to respond." In a related story, officials noted that so-called "fans" allegedly were attempting to stop Scott's performance.]

Food for Thought

Also from OWH (2/27):  "Spilling your coffee? Try a latte. If you've ever had your coffee suddenly slosh out of the drinking hole or over the cup rim & onto your pants, you know the struggle. But according to a team of physicists, there's an easy solution:  Buy a nice, foamy latte instead. The findings, described in the journal Physics of Fluids, show that a thin layer of foam over a moving liquid's surface can dramatically cut down the slosh." [DEPT. OF IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS:  Scientist #1:  "It's discouraging. Polls show that the majority of Americans still don't have confidence in our findings re:  global climate change?" Scientist #2: "Whatever can we do to regain our credibility?" Physicist:  "I've got this one covered. When we release the findings of our latte study in the widely-read journal Physics of Fluids, the public will look upon us with a new-found measure of awe & respect!"]

Also from OWH (8/14):  "Wheaties, brewery team up on beer. Wheaties says it is partnering with a craft brewery to create a limited edition beer. The 16-oz cans will be available only in the Minneapolis-St. Paul market starting Aug. 26, according to Wheaties parent company General Mills, which is based in the Twin Cities. It's not clear what makes it Wheaties beer . . . " [This gives new life to their brand:  Wheaties:  Breakfast of Champions."]

Why I'm Probably Not Cut Out To Be an Advice Columnist

From Ask Amy column in OWH (8/8):  "Dear Amy:  When I got married almost three years ago, my parents were less than supportive. Basically, they do not approve of my husband & (despite his efforts to provide for our family) they probably never will. I became pregnant w/my parents' 1st grandchild. I was excited & told my mother right away. Her reaction was to say 'Well, I really hope you aren't. That shocked me to my core. I eventually let go of that hurt.
          "When my son was born, my mother didn't come to visit until my son was almost 2 weeks old, & she only stayed for 2 days. I try not to judge my own mother against my mother-in-law, but my mother-in-law has been an absolute angel. I feel fully supported & appreciate her hands-on help.
          "I recently found out that we're expecting our 2nd child. I told my mother right away, hoping that w/almost 3 yrs of marriage under my belt she might be at least a little joyful, but again, no excitement, no smile or hug or any other sort of positive reaction. Am I hoping for too much from her? How should I address my needs, or should I just let it go? If it weren't for my mother-in-law, I'd be at a total loss for any parental support in my life. (Signed, Hopeful in the Midwest)"
          [MY ANSWER:  It's good to be hopeful, but in a word, yes, you are hoping for too much. Your mother is a jerk, & you should consider taking out a restraining order against her. By the way, is there a legitimate reason why your parents have never approved of your husband? Is he a hippie or something? And while I'm at it, while it's a commonly used metaphor to refer to someone as "an angel," & while I'm very happy for the wonderful relationship you have w/your mother-in-law, which, by the way, I think you should take every opportunity to rub your mother's nose in (but I digress) theologically, she is NOT an angel, & Lutherans, of which I am one, are not the only denomination that believes this to be an accurate interpretation of Holy Scripture.]

Miscellaneous

Excerpt from Lincoln Journal Star (8/5):  "Police say former James Bond actor Pierce Bosnan has been stopped at a Vermont airport security checkpoint because of a knife he was carrying." [So, in their infinite wisdom, our law enforcement officials in blue-state Vermont are willing to accept the possibly lethal consequences of having 007 board an airplane w/o a weapon?]

Also from NDN (8/7):  Shameless copy of joke reprinted from TV Week, "latelaughs" from Conan O'Brien. "Comic-Con has banned selfie sticks & e-cigarettes. Which is too bad, because now when I see someone smoking an e-cigarette, I have nothing to beat them with." [Ah, nothing like Hollywood PC to get me worked up. Abortion? That's OK. Celebrity adultery & babies out of wedlock? No problemo. Smoking? Bad, bad, bad, bad bad!]

Also from NDN (8/8):  From Dr. Keith Roach's Ask the Dr. Column. "Dear Dr. Roach. I am 74 & in good health. I have pain in my knees. An MRI a few years ago showed a torn meniscus. Would glucosamine be a good choice for me? I'm not taking any medications. S.F." 
          Dr. Roach replies:  "A torn meniscus in a young person often is the result of trauma in the knee. However, in older people, these tears can be degenerative. The treatment for the two types of meniscal tears differ, but both include physical therapy. In my experience, this is the most effective treatment in older people. I rarely will make a referral to surgery for degenerative tears. Medication treatment includes Tylenol & anti-inflammatories as needed. Glucosamine & chondroitin often are used, but there is poor evidence that they are any better than placebos. They are safe, & many people try them; about a quarter or a third will get good relief." [I thought my sister-in-law, who shall remain nameless, might benefit from this thoughtful excerpt. Emphasis added.]

Also from OWH (8/17):  "Input sought on search for UNL's next chancellor. UNL President Hank Bounds is asking for feedback on the search for the next chancellor of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln." [Before what I anticipate could become a ground-swell of support from those of you who know that I am currently on a "sabbatical," no, I am not in a position to seek this position. If nominated, I will not run. If elected I will not serve. Plus, & this is just a technicality, I have a suspicion that my lack of a PhD, as well as a lack of experience serving in higher education, may be seen as deficits by those involved in the hiring process.]

There is No Place Like Nebraska

Also from LJS (8/2):  "Baiting game animals illegal here, too. What American dentist Walter Palmer did--using bait to lure Cecil the lion out of the African conservation park--is as illegal in Nebraska as it is in Zimbabwe." [Don't get us wrong. We don't care that he used a gun & shot a lion. We DO care about baiting game animals. That's just plain not fair.]

Also from LJS (8/11):  "Noisy parrots can't come home, city officials rule. A pair of noisy parrots won't be returning to a Columbus home after the City Council upheld the animals' eviction. Columbus City Council members didn't show any leniency last week, voting unanimously to uphold a decision to revoke Bianca Leon's rights to own the birds." [The law is the law, & she should be thankful they're not lions.]

Also from OWH (8/13):  "Purple do's? It must be something in the water. "There's something fishy about dudes' hair lately. A small number of guys--perhaps as few as a handful in Omaha--are bleaching & dyeing their hair, beards & sometimes eyebrows shades of blue, green, pink or purple. On-line, a hashtag gave the style a name:  merman hair." [Wait . . . what? Bleaching & dyeing hair, beards, even eyebrows? Shades of blue, green, pink, purple? Merman hair? . . . Okay, I just re-read this clip & see that we're talking about "as few as a handful in Omaha." Well, Omaha is practically part of Iowa.]

And There Is No Place Like Iowa

Also from OWH (8/15):  "Iowa launches probe after 52 of 75 wedding guests fall ill. This wouldn't have been much fun:  Iowa health officials reported Friday that 52 out of 75 guests at a wedding in the Hawkeye state last weekend became ill. They reported vomiting & diarrhea 24-36 hours after the event." [The name of the town is not reported, & I am not entirely unsympathetic. Some years ago, following my niece's wedding, I thought I might have contracted a mild form of food poisoning. My wife thoughtfully & compassionately pointed out that there was probably a stronger correlation between  one too many trips back for wedding cake & my intestinal distress.]

Or Illinois

Also from LJS (8/4):  "Illinois top U.S. party school. The University of Illinois stakes claim to 23 Nobel Prize winners & tech prowess that contributed to the creation of YouTube, Netscape, Java & Help. But students at the Champaign don't just bury their heads in books, they also party--so much so that they've earned the top spot on The Princeton Review's annual list of top party schools in the U.S., the college guide said Monday." [DEPT. OF IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS:  Son: "Dad, I've decided that I want to enroll at Illinois next year." Dad:  "Son, you make me proud. It's because I'm an alumni & the UI has produced 23 Nobel Prize winners & prides itself on its tech prowess. Right?"  Son:  "Uh, yeah."]