Whimsy
Excerpt from Norfolk Daily News TV Week, "latelaughs" by Stephen Colbert (11/20/15): "Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hotdogs & found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name." [When it comes to stealing jokes, I have no shame.]Whimsy . . . Special Black Friday Excerpt!
Excerpt from Omaha World Herald (11/26/15): DISCLAIMER! I know that the following information may come too late to help some of you, but perhaps you will read it & take it to heart as you contemplate after-Christmas sales & Black Friday 2016 game plans."Reduce your legwork w/Black Friday game plan. {NOTE: What followed was a list of suggestions w/further details about each one. Rather than bore you w/the obvious, I've decided to disclose my own strategies, which may not be but should be equally or more obvious.}
- "Preview the Black Friday ads & have a shopping plan. [My advice: Get to the newspaper first. Get all the ads into your recycling bin before your significant other gets to them. Pretend that you've been victimized by newspaper carrier malfeasance.]
- "Leave small children at home. [Also small animals. If you must go out, take along a German-shepherd-size critter at a minimum. One who is anti-social. Use a choke collar? I can neither confirm nor deny the practicality.]
- "Use the buddy system. [You & a buddy take turns replenishing beer & snacks during the Cornhusker-Hawkeye game on TV. GO BIG RED!]
- "Check online. [My first check would be the Drudge Report, followed by National Review Online, then Townhall, followed by YouTube. Type in "Black Friday store riots" on the search line.]
- "Stack Black Friday coupons. [If they are for restaurants & don't expire until the end of December.]
- "Watch for gift card offers. [If they are for Barnes & Noble or Amazon & you have my name for Christmas.]
- "Get rewarded for loyalty." [Remain loyal to the hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of people--at least guys--who remain totally oblivious to the allure of Black Friday shopping.]
Criminal Minds
Also from NDN (11/17): "Beer smugglers. Customs officials in Saudi Arabia said they've cracked a case--& then some--of smugglers trying to bring illicit cans of beer through the kingdom (dateline Dubai, UAE) by disguising them as Pepsi. In a statement, customs officials said they intercepted 48,000 cans of beer moving through the al-Batha border crossing w/the United Arab Emirates." [This explains why Middle East countries can't accept Syrian refugees. They have their hands full w/beer smugglers.]There is no place like . . .
Milwaukee!
Excerpt from OWH (11/12): "Milwaukee police who saved burning flag are praised. Milwaukee's police chief said Wednesday that he's proud of officers who extinguished & respectfully folded an American flag set on fire by a protester near the Republican presidential debate. Photos of Tuesday night's incident show officers putting out the flames near the Milwaukee Theater & then ceremonially folding the flag." [American flags matter!]New York!
Also from OWH (11/9): "Autistic boy says 'SpongeBob' taught him Heimlich. A 13-year-old autistic boy says he performed the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate at his New York City school after learning the technique from 'SpongeBob SquarePants.'" [Notice where he did NOT learn the Heimlich maneuver? On Sesame Street. PBS.]Massachusetts!
Also from OWH (11/16): "Cop sends flowers to woman she stopped for speeding. A Massachusetts police officer who sent flowers to a crying woman she pulled over for speeding has received a commendation. Somerville Officer Ashley Catatao received a Beyond the Call of Duty Award from Chief David Fallon on Tuesday for her empathy & professionalism during the Nov. 4 traffic stop."Catatao pulled over a vehicle driving 40 mph in a 30 mph zone, intending to issue a warning. She noticed the driver was crying. The woman explained that she just found out her mother was being placed in hospice care. Catatao said she sent the flowers because she has a mother, is a mother, & never wants to forget that the drivers she pulls over are 'real people w/real things happening in their lives.'" [Dept. of Imaginary Interviews: REPORTER: So even though you were clearly distraught, the arresting officer held you at gunpoint & threatened to shoot you? DRIVER: Uh, no. She never flashed her gun & never threatened to shoot me. And I wasn't arrested. REPORTER: But the fact that you were emotionally distressed about your mother didn't deter her from deploying her taser, shouting profanities at you, dragging you out of the car by your hair, & body-slamming you to the pavement, right? DRIVER: Uh, no. She actually listened to my story, sympathized with me, said that wasn't even going to give me a warning ticket, & later on sent me flowers. I was never dragged from the car. What's a taser? REPORTER: Are you sure you weren't intoxicated?]
Political Tuesday . . . on Whimsical Wednesday! *
* Special Black Friday edition.
* I meant to say, "Special Black Friday" edition of Whimsical Wednesday.
Food for Thought
Also from OWH (11/13): "Two more Chick-fil-A restaurants planned for 2016. Chick-fil-A will open a new restaurant next year near 120th St. & W. Dodge Rd. The chain also has plans for another location @ Sorensen Park Plaza, scheduled to open in late 2016." [There is no place like Nebraska!]Also from OWH (11/19): "Dunkin' Donuts dips toes into delivery, on-the-go ordering. Dunkin' Donuts is testing delivery & on-the-go ordering. The doughnut & coffee chain said Wednesday that delivery will be offered in Dallas this week & spread to Atlanta, Chicago, L.A. & Washington in coming weeks. Delivery orders need to be made on the app or website . . . " [We live in the greatest country in the world!"
Food for Thought . . . Special Black Friday Excerpt! *
Excerpt from OWH Go Magazine (11/16): "7 Ways to Stuff Your Bird."- #4. [Because of my German heritage] "Sauerkraut. Some people swear by it. Some people are repulsed by just the word alone. If you dig 'kraut, stuff away for something new that still incorporates an old-world dish.
- #6. "Bacon. Not a fan of filling the bird? That's fine. How about covering it in BACON? You can't go wrong giving the bird a bacon blanket, unless you're vulnerable to heart disease." [Duh. Bacon. Needs no other comment.]
- BONUS! "Turducken . . . a turkey stuffed w/a chicken & a duck. Mmmmm." [Never heard of turducken until we moved to Northeast Nebraska in 1997.]
Special Black Friday Abbreviated Leckband Temp Challenge
Based on the NOAA web site at 8:03a (CST), ratings follow.#1: Norfolk, NE: 18/wc 5 (temp in Fahrenheit)
Notes: Does this strike you as unbelievably one-sided & arbitrary? Well, you will have to trust in the integrity of my crack team of temp advisors. I checked temps, including wind chills, for all Leckband locations, including Eagan, MN; Ventura & Garrison, IA; Lincoln & Beatrice, NE. I dutifully recorded the results on a sticky note, which I left on my iPad, which I plugged into my charger & left on the dining room table, so as not to forget later when I had time to post this blog. Subsequently, my iPad got moved so that the table could be set for brunch. [We have company.] After the table had been cleared & cleaned, I retrieved my iPad. Guess what? No sign of my note. I hope you will take my word for it that @ 8:03 this morning, Norfolk was the clear #1 pick. Although there have been denials, I should & will point out the following:
- Lois accused me yesterday (THU 11/26), while I was working on the rest of this blog, of being compulsive & obsessive re: this blog entry.
- Nathan & Laura are here. Their legal place of residence is Eagan, MN, & if I remember correctly, which is always an adventure, they may have finished #2.
- Sarah & her brood are here. Their legal place of residence is Lincoln, NE, & if I remember correctly [SEE previous comment.], Lincoln finished #3. [In her defense, she was the last one out of bed this morning, & I never saw her tampering w/my iPad.]
- Ultimately, it comes down to this. This is my blog, my temp challenge, & I can do whatever I want with it. Anybody else want to take over the Leckband Temp Challenge? Go for it! Or get over it!!
Special Black Friday Hill Family Temp Challenge
Based on NOAA web site at 10:40a (CST), all temps in Fahrenheit.
#1: San Jose, CA: 36/freeze warning
#2: Wichita Falls, TX: 34/wc 22
#3: Great Lakes Naval Center, IL: 35/26
#4: Fayetteville, NC: 66
#5: Columbia, SC: 70 *
#6: St. Petersburg, FL: 72
#7: Ft. Walton, Beach, FL: 74
#8: BALMIEST HILLS Miami, FL: 79
#2: Wichita Falls, TX: 34/wc 22
#3: Great Lakes Naval Center, IL: 35/26
#4: Fayetteville, NC: 66
#5: Columbia, SC: 70 *
#6: St. Petersburg, FL: 72
#7: Ft. Walton, Beach, FL: 74
#8: BALMIEST HILLS Miami, FL: 79
* I lost Tasha's address, so I arbitrarily chose Columbus, SC for her location. **
** I think I have Kyle's address, but it obviously doesn't tell me his location.
Notes: I realize that not all of you are on CST, but for the sake of standardization, my crack team of temp consultants felt that using Central Standard Time was the fairest way to handle this issue. *** Further note: Although the 1st & 2nd place rankings may seem unfair, after consultation w/my crack team of temp advisors, I think you will agree that 36 degrees, accompanied by a freeze warning, for San Jose, warrants a 1st place rating. Sorry, David & Carmen. Sorry, Kory & Erose. ***
*** And it's my blog. Got a problem with that?
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