Feeling Guilty about Being Depressed?

MENTAL HEALTH MONDAY

Guilt & Shame & Depression

Here are some excerpts from Brene' Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection (Hazelden, 2010). They come from the chapter entitled, "The Things That Get in the Way." My comments and/or insights follow.

• ", , , we don't talk about the things that get in the way of doing what we know is best for us, our children, our families, our organizations, & our communities." [I would suggest that sometimes we may not talk about such things because we genuinely DON'T always know what is best . . . ]
• "We don't talk about what keeps us eating until we're sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to numb & take the edge off, & full of so much anxiety & self-doubt that we can't act on what we know is best for us. We don't talk about the hustle for worthiness that's become such a part of our lives that we don't even realize that we're dancing." [I can relate to this. Maybe we realize that we're 'dancing', but we tell ourselves that we just don't have time to talk about such things & act upon such things. That's part of the self-delusion.]
• ". . . when we struggle to believe in our worthiness, we hustle for it." [Striving to please everyone else often results to pleasing no one else.]
• "Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, & never good enough. If we want to develop shame resilience--the ability to recognize shame & move through it while maintaining our worthiness & authenticity--then we have to talk about why shame happens." [Ah, here's the rub. Shame can become paralyzing & self-defeating. As a Christian, don't we relate to shame as a natural consequence of being "heartily sorry" for our sins? Some of you who read my blogs are Lutheran. Can I get an "Amen" to that? As in "I, a poor miserable sinner? Don't get me wrong. I think shame & guilt are perfectly appropriate as applied to an unrepentant sinner. I don't think there is anything wrong with shaming our children, for example, when they misbehave & show no remorse. Ultimately, our goal is to help shape their consciences, aided by God's Word, in such a way that they recognize their own sin & respond with true remorse that leads to true repentance.]
• I believe that a truly repentant heart is healthy, but I also believe the following.

1. SEE comment above re:  shame leading to self-paralysis & self-defeat. It can still be a struggle for me not to feel demoralized for attitudes & behaviors that ultimately led to my "burn-out" that resulted in a "sabbatical"--which created a hardship for many others.
2. Shame & guilt can also become a form of work-righteousness. I can equate such feelings with a form of doing penance, i.e., part of my forgiveness depends on how shameful & guilty I can make myself feel. That contradicts the power of God's grace in the truly redemptive life of a believer.
3. Living in the knowledge of grace & the "peace that passes all understanding"--the peace between my Savior & myself--can be liberating--contributing to a healing of body, mind, & soul.
4. Bottom line? It is SOOOO easy to feel shamed & guilty over being depressed. To what end? If clinical depression is an illness, then one might as well feel guilty over having the measles. Or being diabetic. Well, here we go again. One reason I have Type II Diabetes is, no doubt, my slovenly eating habits & lack of exercise. Trapped in an endless cycle of shame & guilty. It doesn't have to be that way for the Christian!

23 Ways to Boost Your Brainpower *

* Source:  "Feel Good Every Day" {Walgreen's advertising supplement in Parade Magazine}, 10/4/15.

"#4. Research from the University of Surrey in the U.K. found that closing your eyes while recalling an event could help you remember details 23% more accurately. How does it work? It's thought that once visual distractions are removed, your brain focuses more efficiently." [I would offer this advice. Although I am no brainpower expert, I would caution against using this technique while trying to recall an event & driving at the same time. Although I tried to use it last Wednesday when attempting to recall how to drive my way out of Omaha & back to Norfolk, Lois caught me, which resulted in great distress for her. Momentarily, due to the dire threats she issued. But I digress.]

Reasons for Anxiety *

* Source:  Weird But True:  200 Astounding, Outrageous, & Totally Off the Wall Facts, by Leslie Gilbert Elman. Fall River Press, 2010.

• The Pain of Price. Paying too much for something activates the part of the brain that also is responsible for the perception of pain & guilt. [We know we're paying way too much for our conversation to CenturyLink & Direct TV; not all our fault. We feel that we were victims of dubious advertising & marketing. Lois' attempts to make this right have led to a series of totally unsatisfactory interactions w/customer service reps from both organizations. All I can say about both these organizations is caveat emptor.] 
• Ups & Downs. Most great mountain ranges were formed by the shifting of tectonic plates beneath the Earth's surface. These shifts can also cause earthquakes. Figuring that what goes up eventually come down, some geologists believe that tectonic shifts are now causing the Apennines mountain chain in Italy to collapse. [The lesson to be learned here, perhaps, is this:  if climbing the Apennines is on your bucket list, best not wait too long.]
• In Space & Time. That 8/8 magnitude earthquake [Chile, 2010] shifted our planet on its axis by 3", & shortened our days by about 1.26 milliseconds. [Plus, thanks to the switch back from Daylight Savings Time, it seems like it's getting dark by 2:30 p.m.]
• I Hear That. An earworm is a repetitive, catchy song or piece of music that lodges itself in your brain & won't leave. Strategies such as listening to a different song or playing the earworm song in an effort to get it out of your head generally don't work, & might even make the situation worse. ["Love Shack." Oh, sorry. Did I just give you an earworm?]
• And That's the Truth. A 2002 study at the University of Massachusetts found that 60% of people lied at least 3 times in a 10-minute casual conversation. [My completely non-partisan suggestion is that you keep this in mind the next time you listen to any press conference by  "she or he who shall not be named."]
• Brain Drain. Over the past several thousand years human brains have gotten smaller. Anthropologists recreated the brain that would have fit inside a Cro-Magnon skull discovered in France. That 28,000-yr-old brain would have been nearly 20% larger than today's human brain. [And where are the Cro-Magnons now? So much for that cause of anxiety.] 

More Reasons for Anxiety?!

Nathan was texting me w/updates during the SAT 11/7 FB game between the Nebraska Cornhuskers & #6 ranked Michigan State. There was no reason to be hopeful, given last week's performance vs. Purdue, plus our record thus far. Plus, watching these games makes me incredibly anxious. I don't know if it's my general anxiety disorder, or if I'm just a wuss. In any case, I had no intention of listening to, watching, or keeping up with the game. 

      Nathan's last two texts had NE up 20-17, then Mich. State up 24-20. Lois & I finished watching our back episodes of Burn Notice on Netflix, & I texted him, "Thanks 4 the updates. We're going 2 bed now." I had no further intention on checking for any updates on my own.

      After Lois & I had settled into bed, had our evening devotion & prayer [Not trying to be self-righteous; I'm just sayin' because it's part of our bedtime routine & gives you some context--I WAS AT PEACE!], & settled into our nightly "reading-to-wind-down" routine, which follows our devotion & prayer, I had the following texting conversation initiated by Sarah.

SARAH:  "Huskers are winning. You should turn it on."

ME:  "We r going 2 bed. Good night!"

SARAH:  ":17 left and we are winning by 1. Just scored a touchdown. Went for the conversation and didn't get it."

ME:  ":17 left in the game?"

SARAH:  "Now 14."

      Lois asked about Sarah's messages & I made the mistake of telling her. I say "mistake," because Lois asked if she should turn on the game, & before I could even respond, she turned on the radio. We heard the last two plays of the game, so we heard Michigan State complete a pass, which still left them out of FG range. Then we heard them throw an INC pass as time expired. Then we heard that after a review, officials declared that the game clock had indeed expired. Nebraska had in fact come from behind & beaten Mich. State. A further texting conversation with Sarah ensued.

SARAH:  "We won!!!"

ME:  "Thanks. Mom just turned the radio on. And we won!! [I was actually in the process of typing this message when I got Sarah's previous message.]

ME:  "Thank u Sarah I guess although I can feel my chest pounding & I m out of Xanax."

SARAH:  "Lol."

      My closing thoughts:  Of course I was glad that Nebraska won. Having said that:

• No, I did not enjoy listening to the last few seconds. 
• I would have been just as happy reading about it in this morning's Omaha World Herald. 
• Would I have had a twinge of regret that I didn't listen to the last few minutes of the game? Yes, but only a minor twinge. 
• That's because these kinds of endings create anxiety--I really can't EMPHASIZE how much anxiety they cause me.
• Yes, I really could have used an extra xanax, which I still take at night [a very small dose] to help me get to sleep. I had already taken my dose & only had enough to get me through today before picking up my refill later today (11/8) or tomorrow. Had I taken time to reason that through, which I did when I woke up at 5:00 this morning & had trouble getting back to sleep, I very well would have gotten up & raided today's supply for the extra dose.
• I am not proud to admit this.
• My "thank u" to Sarah was NOT intended to be genuine, SARAH. Did you catch that, SARAH! Lol? Maybe, just maybe "Loony old Lutheran." NOT "Laugh out loud!"
• I apologize, Sarah. I still love you, & I'm sure you were acting in what you thought was my best interests, especially considering your strong antipathy [not trying to insult anyone's intelligence, but 'antipathy' means "a natural, basic, or habitual repugnance; aversion", according to dictionary.com] toward xanax. *
• As I suspected, I was able to read most of the post-game news & commentary in this morning's sports section, & I felt little if any regret. 

* I don't want to diss my daughter, who is a licensed mental health provider. Here is my caveat. My psychiatrist has had me taking alprazolam--generic xanac--for quite some time to help treat symptoms of my general anxiety disorder. Specifically, it has helped me get to sleep at night, when I have been troubled by racing thoughts. At one time it helped me get back to sleep during the night when I woke up & experienced racing thoughts. That happens very rarely now. I am on a very, very low dose, & I've discussed this w/my doctor thoroughly, many times, sharing both my daughter AND son's concerns [don't want to diss his concerns either!] about the long-term use of this medication. If you check-out the link, you will discover some of the concerns. My doctor feels that those concerns are over-exaggerated, the studies linking problems w/long term use of alprazolam are somewhat inconclusive, & the benefits I get from using it far outweigh the minimal long-term risks. **

** He's smarter than I am. AND, I might add, he has a DEGREE in psychiatry. AND he told me he would feel safe prescribing it to his own grand father. I rest my case.

One Last Reason for Anxiety?!

Some of you know that Lois & I play the License Plate Game. Rules work like this.

• When you see an out-of-state license plate on a vehicle, you get to record it.
• You can only count an out-of-state license plate on a vehicle that is out-of-state, i.e., when we see a Nebraska license plate on a vehicle in Nebraska, it doesn't count. The minute that vehicle drives across the state line into Kansas, we can count it.
• You have to witness the license plate & vehicle first-hand. Somebody else can't spot it for you.

Last year, 2014, we were down to our last license plate--Louisiana. As we were traveling to Texas for Christmas vacation, with just a few days left in December, we parked two stalls down from a vehicle with a Louisiana license plate in a mall parking lot in Oklahoma City. Success!

This year we've stalled out on New Hampshire, it's the middle of November, & things aren't looking good. Didn't see N.H. in Grand Teton & Yellowstone National Parks in June. Ditto the parking lots @ Wall Drug, also in June, & Mall of America in July. I see our last best hope being Rochester, MN, home of various & sundry Mayo Clinic & other internationally-renowned medical facilities. We will be in Rochester over the weekend of NOV 20-22, when we will be attending a baby shower for our daughter-in-law Laura, who is expecting toward the end of January.

Could be our last, best chance, since I foresee no exotic trips over Christmas break this year, & Lois has consistently nixed any road trips for yours truly to anywhere in the vicinity of New England between now & Dec. 31.