Excerpt from Omaha World Herald (9/1): "The Iowa creature that ruled the sea. The Earth's 1st big predatory monster was a weird water bug as big as Tom Cruise, [This must make Tom proud.] newly found fossils show. Almost half a billion years ago, way before the dinosaurs roamed, Earth's dominant large predator was a sea scorpion that grew to 5'7", w/a dozen claw arms sprouting from its head & a spike tail, according to a new report. Scientists found signs of these new monsters of the prehistoric deep in Iowa, of all places. ["Of all places?" Is that a dis?!]
"Geologists at the Iowa Geological Survey found 150 pieces of fossils about 60 ft. under the Upper Iowa River, part of which had to be temporarily dammed to allow them to collect the specimens." [460 million years ago, to be exact. Here's a thought. Maybe this is part of God's sense of humor--let geologists & engineers go to all the trouble of damming a river & excavating this site when we all know nothing was roaming the seas of Iowa--or anywhere else on Earth--half a billion years ago. Even if it were, this would be of more interest than deep-friend apple pie on a stick?!]
PHILADELPHIA?
Excerpt from Norfolk Daily News (9/1/15): "Riding naked. Thousands of bicyclists in various stages of undress pedaled their way around the city to promote fuel conservation & positive body image. The Philly Naked Bike Ride on Saturday featured people sporting masks, underwear, body paint, glitter or nothing at all. A lot of riders wore just their shoes . . .
"Ed Blanton traveled from Arlington, Va., to ride in the Philly event for the 4th time. He wore a sign on his back: 'The earth is the Lord's.' 'I like to get this message out,' he said before hopping gingerly onto his bike & riding off."
- Yeah, I'll BET he hopped "gingerly" onto his bike.
- "The earth is the Lord's" is certainly a wonderful message." Not sure this is an effective medium, but God's Word never returns void. Right?
NEBRASKA!
Als0 from OWH (8/30): "'Omaha Ribeye' is featured abroad. Omahans Tom & Marilyn Byers shared an outdoor table at the waterfront Cafe Razz in Middelfart, [Did I just hear somebody giggle? Grow up!] Denmark, earlier this month & spotted the most expensive item on the elegant menu: the 'USA Greater Omaha Ribeye,' priced at 350 kroner, about $70.
"A translated description from the menu: 'A cattle come from Omaha, NE, U.S. ... known for Buffalo Bill, Warren Buffett & the Missouri River. The meat is specially selected & of the best quality. 375g of meat, served w/fried potatoes & pepper sauce or Bernaise sauce & the free salad bar.'" ["A cattle come from"? The English major in me cringes. Although the price looks outrageous, my understanding is that a Big Mac & fries goes for about the same amount in Denmark. I would like to think we're known for a few other things, but it is gratifying to know it was the "most expensive item on the elegant menu."]
Food for Thought
Also from NDN (8/31): "Titanic's lunch menu heading to auction. "The Titanic's last lunch menu--saved by a passenger who climbed aboard the so-called 'Money Boat' before the ocean liner went down--is going to auction, where it's estimated it will bring $50,000-70,000 . . . Abraham Lincoln Salomon was one of a handful of 1st-class passengers who boarded the lifeboat--dubbed the 'Money Boat' or 'Millionaire's Boat' by the press because of unfounded rumors one of them bribed 7 crew members to quickly row the boat away from the sinking ship rather than rescue others." [A copy of the menu was included in the article. Entrees included "consomme' fermier, cockie leekie, fillets of brill, salmon mayonnaise, potted shrimps *, soused herrings *, brawn, galantine of chicken, corned ox tongue, among other delights."]
- I do not recognize any of these items. The absence of an Omaha Ribeye, or Cattle come from Omaha, U.S., is noticeably absent. Was this tempting fate? **
- The sinful old Adam in me is tempted to wish that Abraham Lincoln Salomon or one of his ilk suffered from chronic dysentery while in the lifeboat as a consequence of eating this rich fare, combined w/bribing crew members to "quickly row the boat away from the sinking ship rather than rescue others." However, this would (A) be a sin against Jesus' command for us to love our neighbor, not just as ourselves but as God loves us; (B) certainly be a plague on the "innocents" who also inhabited the life boat; & (C) this rumor is described as "unfounded."
** Not that I believe in "doom" & "fate." I'm a Lutheran, after all.
Criminal Behavior
Also from NDN (8/3--a little dated; so what?): "Bills suspend coach 6 games. The Buffalo Bills suspended offensive line coach Aaron Kromer w/o pay for the 1st 6 games of the regular season for violating the NFL's personal conduct policy . . . The disciplinary action comes 2 days after prosecutors in FL dropped a battery charge for causing bodily harm against Kromer for allegedly confronting 2 boys for using his beach chairs, pushing one to the ground & punching him in the face last month. An arrest report released by the Walton Sheriff's Office said Kromer threatened to kill one of the boys' families if he reported the incident." [Dude! They were BOYS!]
Also from OWH 8/24--a little more timely; happy?): "USC's Sarkisian sorry for behavior at event. Southern Cal coach Steve Sarkisian apologized Sun for his behavior & profane language at a team event the night before. Sarkisian issued a written apology on the school's official website the morning after the Salute to Troy, a reception held before each season for the FB team, alumni & athletic program donors.
"Several people who attended the event took to Twitter afterward to say that the 2nd-yr Trojans' coach appeared to be drunk while using profanities in praising his team. Sarkisian also apparently disparaged several of the Trojans' Pac-12 rivals & ended his comments w/a profane version of USC's 'Fight On' slogan." [DEPT. OF IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS @ FUTURE COACHING CLINIC: Unnamed coach: "Well, you should have heard what happened to me on MY summer break!"]
"Sadly, your online snark often goes unnoticed . . . "
Also from OWH (8/24): " . . . Using sarcasm on the Internet is like winking on the phone: It's pointless, because it's almost always misunderstood. But for linguists, pollsters, marketers & anyone else w/a vested interest in knowing what people say, & mean, online, it has become one of modern computing's most vexing puzzles: Can we teach a program to recognize a human quirk that even humans mess up half the time? . . . " [I honestly haven't lost a lot of sleep over this, since I think I know what "snark" means, but haven't taken the time to look it up, just in case.]
. . . Except when it doesn't!
Also from OWH (9/2): "Critical online post costs new announcer job before 1st game. Late Monday night, the new p.a. announcer at Memorial Stadium (in Lincoln, NE) received a phone call from a Nebraska official. Jon Schuetz, a native of North Bend, NE, was about to lose the job he had landed a week ago. The official began reading a 9-month-old FB post in which Schuetz criticized the NU administration after Bo Pelini's firing. Schuetz said he hadn't even thought about the post since last winter. He certainly didn't remember it when he interviewed for the PA job.
"But now he said, as his own words were read to him, Schuetz cringed. 'I get it ... If you say something about a prospective employer, it's legitimate to say, 'If you're not on board w/what we do here, maybe you shouldn't be here.''" [This makes me think that if I had any thoughts of landing a job in either "she who shall not be named" or "The Donald's" future regimes, I've probably blown it.]
Cringeworthy stuff . . . You've been warned!
Excerpt from Lincoln Journal Star (8/4--yawn): "Colonoscopy prep still unpleasant. Dear Doctor K: It's been 10 yrs since my last colonoscopy. I'm dreading my next one, especially drinking a gallon of liquid laxative. Has colonoscopy prep gotten more tolerable in the last decade? Dear Reader: Yes, but that still doesn't make it fun. And you can't avoid it: You want the doctor to be able to clearly see every inch of your colon. For that, you need a good cleanout." [Well, here are my "insights". You can take them or leave them. Remember, I blog for self-therapy as much as anything else.]
- I have had, by my estimate, four colonoscopies.
- My first colonoscopy included a blood test which led to my diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes in 1998, for which I've been treated ever since. I am grateful for that.
- A 2nd diagnosis led to the discovery of 4 small polyps, which were removed & biopsied. All proved to be benign, but I was grateful for that, as well.
- That is why I've had 4 colonoscopies by age 62. The last one revealed 0 polyps, so I am not scheduled to have another one until I turn 70. Shucks.
- I would agree that NONE of them have been any fun; I would dispute as to whether the prep has gotten any more tolerable, "Dear" Dr. K.
- Unless by "tolerable" the good doctor means that you now get various flavors that you can mix into what still seems like a gazillion gallons of water that you must drink within a few hours or less time the evening before your early-morning "adventure."
- The preparation is still much, much worse than the actual "experience." Perhaps the stress & anxiety caused by the anticipation of the preparation is what's worse than the actual "adventure." Good news for those of us who suffer from a general anxiety disorder.
- Xanax (generic name 'alprazolam') is a helpful tool for getting a good night's sleep, although the evacuation process, for which I cannot think of a euphemism, will most likely limit your hours of restful repose anyway. I'm just sayin'.
- I am using "adventure" as a euphemism for the actual colonoscopy, in case you hadn't caught on. They almost certainly will give you a sedative to put you into a "twilight sleep" during the colonoscopy, so you aren't under a full anesthesia during the procedure. This should be comforting, because, although I cannot prove it. the tube with the camera on the end may, in fact, resemble something from Roto-Rooter's bag of tricks.
- When I had my colonoscopy at the Mayo Clinic, I actually woke up moments before the procedure was finished. I am not sure that this was supposed to happen. I opened my eyes to the sight of my colon, in living color, on a t.v. monitor, in plain view. Someone immediately noticed & quickly moved the monitor. No, just kidding . . . Whoever it was started describing what I was seeing on screen, & I actually found it quite informative & fascinating. And, I might add, I couldn't feel a thing.
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