More Thoughts on Spiritual Gifts
Last week I spent time reflecting about spiritual gifts, specifically questioning whether the years I spent praying specifically for my spiritual gift of "leadership" may have been misguided. I have wondered in light of the circumstances of my life during this past year * whether I have the gift of "teaching" instead. [HEADS UP: After stopping, starting, writing, revising, reading, & re-reading this entry, I can tell you in advance that it's very personal & very self-absorbed. It definitely works with one of my main reasons for blogging, which is self-therapy.]* In early November 2014, my Board & I agreed that I needed an indefinite medical leave of absence to work on issues related to burn-out [more of a layperson's term describing chronic depression &, in my case at least, general anxiety & a few other issues]. It was obvious to me by early January that I was not yet ready to return. After Lois & I spent a week at Shepherd's Canyon Retreat in Arizona at the end of January, 2015, I met w/members of my Board & requested at least another month of leave. I also told them that it wasn't clear to me whether returning to a FT administrative position might just be setting myself up for another episode of burnout.
In March, a decision was made that it would be in both my & our Lutheran High School's best interests to call a new FT administrator. I accepted the Board's decision. My "quandary" is this. If my spiritual gift is truly "leadership," where does that leave me in terms of using my spiritual gift for the building up of the saints? I'm feeling a little lost.
Here is the circumstantial evidence, both pro & con.
- I've been in Lutheran secondary education since I graduated from Concordia Seward in 1975. My teaching areas have been English, speech & theology.
- Since the mid-1980s I have served in administrative positions, & since 1987 that has been my primary vocation.
- As an administrator, I have found much satisfaction in trying to help other teachers & administrators understand & grow in the profession of teaching.
- The focus of my newsletters, memo's, evaluation instruments, etc., has aimed at instruction as much as evaluation.
- In working w/Boards, I've also found myself focusing on trying to educate them in the task of "boardsmanship."
- I have also enjoyed preparing for & presenting workshops aimed at improving teaching & administration.
- When I find myself in the "audience" of a workshop, seminar, Bible study, etc., I frequently feel the urge to "add" comments and/or ask questions that would not only add to my edification but also edify others in attendance [Yes, this could be arrogance disguised as godliness.]
- Having said all that, I don't know that there's widespread evidence that I am a master teacher; for sure not a master administrator. Don't results give credence to the evidence of a spiritual gift?
- Judged with greater strictness? First, is that a spiritual gift anyone would want?
- As I understand the nature of spiritual gifts, one can fulfill a role without necessarily possessing that gift. It didn't take me long to understand that I certainly didn't possess a gift for administration. By the end of my first year as a principal I had learned that if I didn't figure out or get help regarding how to become better organized, this role was not for me.
- Stumbling in many ways? I can relate to that.
- Able to bridle his whole body? That would lead to . . .
- I may have a gift with words, but I am ashamed to say that I have learned to use words in ways that are not always holy.
- I have found myself in situations, particularly in Board mtgs, where I used words some may have considered sarcastic * to make a point, shame an adversary, embarrass, whatever.
- I am not proud of this. It does not speak well of me as either a leader or a teacher.
- While I may have prided myself in "shutting down" an opponent, often drawing some laughs from others at the expense of the person at whom I was directing my comments, I can't remember that my comments ever "converted" anyone to my position or way of thinking.
- They certainly didn't make me any friends among my adversaries, & I often felt badly about them later & expressed my regret to others.
* Yeah. Definitely sarcastic. Some people seem to detect this in my writing.
Conclusions? Well, More Like Speculation
- I still find myself at a loss. I thought my spiritual gift was leadership. After serving as the head administrator of three Lutheran secondary schools, I suddenly find myself as the head of 0 Lutheran secondary schools.
- I still have this urge to teach. Do I have anything worth teaching?
- Have I forfeited my "right" to lead, my right to "teach," because of my inability to bridle myself?
- Would it be best for me to BE STILL, KEEP PRAYING ABOUT IT, BE PATIENT, & WAIT FOR THE LORD TO SORT THINGS OUT FOR ME? *
** No, I'm not kidding.
A Hymn that Really Spoke to Me *
We sang this hymn at my son & daughter-in-law's church over Labor Day weekend. "Lord I Need You." I was in a very vulnerable mood.* Worry not . . . I"m not turning Pentecostal or anything.
Lord I come I confess \ Bowing here I find my rest
And without You I fall apart \ You're the one that guides my heart.
Chorus: Lord I need you oh I need you \ Ev'ry hour I need You
My one defense my righteousness / Oh God how I need you
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more \ Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free \ Holiness is Christ in me (Chorus)
So teach my song to rise to You \ When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You / Jesus You're my hope & stay (Chorus)
My one defense my righteousness \ Oh God how I need You
My one defense my righteousness \ Oh God how I need You
Before you tee off on me . . .
- Yes, I know there are a lot of first person, singular pronouns (I, my, me).
- It includes that dreaded interjection "Oh" more than once. *
- Yes, there is, gasp, repetition.
- It's MY blog, in case you needed a reminder.
* I betray my secondary English major roots.
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