Trump withdraws from race. Throws support behind "multi-cultural" ticket.
In a stunning turn of events today, at a hastily called press conference in Atlantic City, Donald Stump silenced a crowd estimated in the tens of thousands with the following statement: "After considerable thought, I've come to the conclusion that my entire campaign has honestly been one big ego-driven fantasy, & I really have no coherent history of conservatism that would lead anyone to believe that I'm a viable candidate for the Republican presidential nomination." Trump continued, "I am impressed with the business acumen & considerable debating skills of Carly Fiorina. Now THERE'S a broad who's actually presidential caliber. Wouldn't YOU pay to see her & Hillary debate? How about those two chicks on pay-per-view?" He went on to add, "Put Dr. Ben Carson on the ticket as her running mate, & you've got the Republican Party, of all people, running a female & an African American, especially one whose clean & articulate. I'm throwing my influence & money behind Carly & Dr. Ben."
President denies rumors. "Everything is transparent!" Amid growing rumors of yet another concession granted to the Iranian government in return for their consent to the controversial nuclear arms treaty, President Barack Obama, at a hastily called press conference at Denali National Park in Alaska, fiercely defended his record of transparency. "When I was running for election, I promised the American people that mine would be the most transparent presidency in history, & these most recent, heinous attacks only highlight the vast, right wing conspiracy . . . wait . . . what?" President Obama's remarks came after Fox News broke a story earlier in the day, claiming that John Kerry had been seen delivering Hillary Clinton's server to Iranian officials in Tehran.
Global warming trends a hoax? At a hastily called press conference, editors of the National Geographic unveiled an upcoming cover story that is sure to add to the growing unrest among reputable scientists calling for a re-examination of the "settled science" of global climate change. Two physio-paleo-bio-eco-nano-tectoniclimatolagists, whose identities are still being kept secret for fear of retribution, claim that the NOAA, NWS, NPR, & other government agencies have been building a case for global warming, i.e., global "climate change," by using temperature readings from sensors strategically placed near Dominos Pizza ovens across the world for the last 20 years. "I can't believe I was that naive," was the reaction of Al Gore. "All those free pizzas for 20 years? Who would have guessed?"
Main stream media agree to loyalty oath. Representatives of major, main stream media outlets announced at a hastily called press conference today that they have signed a loyalty oath, promising to fiercely & unfairly attack the Republican presidential nominee & his or her running mate, under any circumstance. Surrounded by representatives from ABC, ABC, CBS, CNN, NPR, & MSNBC, spokesperson Miley Cyrus said, "We're no longer pretending to be anything other than partisan in our reporting & commentary. They can run a woman, they can run a black, they can run a transgender against Hillary Clinton, I mean, the Democratic candidate . . . We'll go after him and/or her like Roger Goodell after Tom Brady," she screeched, as network presidents & news anchors rushed to sign the document.
Fox News responds. At a hastily called press conference, representatives from Fox News continue to stand by their controversial, "We report. You decide.", news tag, coupled with "Fox News--fair & balanced," in the light of breaking news about main stream media sources signing a loyalty oath in unfairly attack whoever gets the GOP nomination. According to one pundit, who spoke on condition of anonymity, "We may not always be as fair as we'd like you to think, & we do have a few 'unbalanced' people running around here, but, c'mon, let's compare apples to apples. Chris Wallace? Rachel Maddow? Please!"
* DISCLAIMERS
- I'm writing this at about 11:00 p.m. on FRI 9/4, way past my bedtime.
- I'm writing this very, very fast.
- I'm not going to bother to proofread it.
- I'm not nearly as clever as I think I am.
- I've said all along that I write for self-therapy more than anything else.
- This has felt very therapeutic.
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