Un-burdening

MENTAL HEALTH MONDAY

To state the obvious, clinical depression is a burden . . . & some months & experiences become more of a burden than others. For me, March 2018 is such a time.

I still find myself burdened with my departure from Lutheran High Northeast. To recap, I began a long-term medical disability in November 2014, due to chronic depression & anxiety. In laypersons' terms, I was suffering from burnout. In March 2015 a decision was reached for me to leave LHNE, both for my own good & the good of the organization. 

The guilt I carry stems from my failures that led to my dismissal. I wasn't performing at a level necessitated by my role as Executive Director & Principal. Important administrative work was not being completed. My relationship with the Board had deteriorated. I was drowning in a sea of administrivia w/o seeing a way out. Yes, I was burned out.

So, I let a lot of people down in our organization, either by failing in my responsibilities toward them or causing them undue stress because of my issues. It put undue stress on my wife, too.

It was necessary for me to leave. New blood in my roles was needed. My departure ultimately led to my current ministry with Orphan Grain Train, which has been a tremendous blessing for me, yet I still feel shame.

And although it was good for both LHNE & me to have me leave & open a door for new, effective leadership--which I believe has happened--it was painful at the time & continues to be painful as I recollect how my departure could have been handled more gracefully.

This has been compounded by challenges to my physical health. Since mid-January I have suffered from Influenza A, pneumonia, & most recently, a staph infection in my lung. 

I was also diagnosed with an 80% blockage in the main artery to my heart. This happened on the basis of several stress tests & a heart catheterization during my time in the Mayo Clinic Executive Wellness Program. I was told that a stent would need to be inserted, but it's over a month since then, & the ball hasn't started rolling yet. [I have my 2nd appt w/a cardiologist in Norfolk this FRI 3/9. You might say that this has been both depressing & very anxiety-inducing.] Physical deficiencies almost always contribute to a depressive episode.

Where to turn for help to get me back out of this pit? It is amazing how many times one or more devotions that are part of my daily "quiet time" absolutely address a current burden in my life. This morning was one of those times, but it wasn't just one devotion. I was led to discover wisdom from multiple sources this morning, They reminded me of at least three absolute truths found in Scripture.

1. There is a God who sent His Son to pay the price for my failures . . . my sins against the Lord & my offenses against others. 
2. Jesus Christ lives in & among us. The Living Word provides hope & help for our physical, mental, & spiritual burdens.
3. Physical & mental burdens are opportunities for the Holy Spirit to enrich our faith, as we turn to Christ in Word & Sacrament & prayer.

Here are excerpts from the devotions & scriptures that I read early this morning.

From Lutheran Indian Ministries Lenten Devotions (3/5):

"I praise You because I am fearfully & wonderfully ade; Your works are wonderful. I know that full well."  (Psalm 139::14)

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matt.10:29:30)

"Thank God, today, for the 'you' God created, fearfully & wonderfully made, loved beyond our comprehension, perfect for your work in His kingdom."

From At the Crossroads, Lenten Devotions

"Rather, children are an inheritance parents are passing onto the future. We all pray & work in hope that what we did as parents by God's grace may continue in & through our children . . . Together we can secure our love for each other because of the infinite love of God revealed on the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ." Prayer:  Help me remember, Lord, that my children finally belong to you, entrusted to me. Amen.

From Silent Witnesses, Lutheran Hour Ministries Lenten Devotions

"To all of this worry & grief Jesus says, 'I have come for you in the middle of this mess. I love you, & I have made you clean. Guilt & innocence are Mine to deal with & I have laid down My life for you. You are now Mine, & no one will take you out of my hands."

From Arrows of Light--Devotions for Worldwide Christians, by David Schneider.

"As a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."  (Psalm 103:13)

From Martin Luther Psalm by Psalm by Psalm, CPH 2017

" You have given me relief when I was in distress."  Psalm 4:1

"For God first adorns & equips. He first justifies & makes alive, & then He quickly subjects to battle, so that strength may increase, which otherwise would quickly be consumed by rust & inactivity." Martin Luther

A Closing Prayer *

"I humbly confess that I am often confused by the problems of my life. Sometimes I do not seem to know which way to turn. I pray You, therefore, to enlighten me with Your Holy Spirit that I may recognize what is Your will in every situation; give me the courage to decide every issue accordingly & to leave the final outcome to Your direction. I especially thank You, heavenly Father, that Your Spirit has brought me to make the right decision concerning You, my God & Savior. I have been richly blessed in the faith that You are my heavenly Father & that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Keep me firm in this faith to the end, & then give me, according to Your promise, the crown of life. For Jesus' sake. Amen.
* From From My Prayer Book, CPH 1957