Two Laments

It's too early for a little cheese with my w(h)ine

To answer your question, yes, I have been blogging rather frequently lately.

• I do NOT always pretend to understand why, but the vagaries of chronic depression produce added stress & depressive cycles that are not always easily explained.
• I have been feeling more stressed, depressed, & anxious lately, which has led me to turn to my blog to help me DEcompress.
• One reason I started blogging in the first place was to help me cope w/symptoms of my chronic depression & anxiety by writing more.
• It's my blog, so sometimes I am writing mostly for self-therapy & selfish reasons.
• Read on at your discretion.

Health Update

Yesterday, FRI 3/9, I finally had my follow-up visit w/my cardiologist. Finally, I have my heart procedure scheduled. I will have an angioplasty & stent inserted on WED 3/21. This left me feeling vaguely relieved.

As I've written previously, when I was at the Mayo Clinic in JAN for the Executive Health Program, I had 2 stress tests, which resulted in an angiogram, which led to a diagnosis of an 80% blockage in the main artery to my heart. The remedy recommended to me quite strongly was the angioplasty & stent procedure that has now been scheduled. My first visit to my cardiologist in Norfolk was somewhat unsatisfying. He hadn't received any records from Mayo, so he didn't want to proceed until he had them in hand. My preference would have been to have the procedure scheduled & move on.

When we met yesterday he had received the results of my tests from Mayo but no "pictures." Still, he felt confident in proceeding. His comment was "we know what the problem is & where it's located." The nurse explained that the surgeon will be using a contrasting agent to confirm the diagnosis & look for other potential problems, which theoretically could be "fixed" at that time. 

I mentioned that I felt vaguely relieved, because it now feels like we have a definite plan w/likely results that will potentially help me regain my health. One reason for my undue anxiety lately, I'm sure, has been the uncertainty of the plan, combined w/the knowledge that I have an 80% blockage. While the odds may be in my favor, the thought of a possible heart attack while in limbo has been unsettling.

In fact, I have had to undergo a major mindset shift over the past few years. I have always thought of myself as generally being a healthy person. Whenever I filled out a a form for any medical provider I've always checked the box next to "overall healthy." I've had to come to terms that this hasn't been reflected in my life over the past number of years.

The major depressive episode that led to my departure from Lutheran High Northeast put a huge dent in my confidence in my mental health. Sure, I knew there were warning signs, but a major episode? Having my prostrate removed had me face the C word. So far all my PSA tests have been 0, but there's always that smallest doubt in the back of my mind about a recurrence.

I had my left hip replaced. Initially this led to some very positive lifestyle changes in terms of diet & exercise, but I have gradually slipped back into old habits that have come to haunt me.

Last summer's serious fall while hiking led to a neck injury that exacerbated both mental & physical health problems, i.e., except for my PT exercises, I pretty much stopped walking the dog regularly after being cautioned that having Sammy tug strongly on the leash would hamper my recovery. I also stopped caring about my diet, which has led to a serious weight gain. 

JAN & FEB '18 have been a major health challenge. While in MN for the Mayo Clinic program, I contracted Influenza A, then pneumonia. Result? Feeling more inertia, feeling more depressed & anxious, especially after the pulmonologist in Norfolk diagnosed a staph infection in my lungs, based on a culture. So, since the end of January I've been on several medications & doing breathing exercises 1-3 times/daily. Still more inertia, lack of physical exercise, apathy about my diet.

And the diagnosis of heart problems has added to my general lethargy of body & mind. This has had a related effect on me, namely, spiritual lethargy as well.

But I have vented enough. Am I feeling better this morning than I have been lately? A little bit. The cardiologist's nurse told me that I could resume walking, as long as I didn't get "carried away." Hopefully, I will resume a regimen of daily walks while keeping them at a modest level. My diet still needs serious attention. 

On to a little bit lighter fare . . . as far as you know.

A Cursed Time of Year

I'm referring, of course, to the switch back to Daylight Savings Time, which happens at 2:00a, tomorrow (SUN 3/11) morning. I do not mind "falling back." I DO mind "springing ahead," because it messes w/my sleeping routine, which is always a challenge for me anyway. While it may lead to more daylight eventually, the initial result is more darkness first thing in the morning when I crave sunshine the most.

From Omaha World Herald, column by Tom Purcell (3/10):  "Frankly, it's never the right time to save that daylight . . . I think a grand conspiracy is underway in which clear-headed 'morning people' are attempting to use DST to swindle us 'night-time people' & swipe our girlfriends while we are in a continuous state of fogginess. I also think Starbucks & Dunkin' Donuts are in collusion to fatten profits. Starbucks coffee has always been ridiculously expensive, but et tu, Dunkin'? I got a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee recently that was just shy of Starbucks' exorbitant iced-coffee cost . . . 

"In any event, an endless DST debate continues. Proponents of DST say it gives us more daylight in spring & summer, which gets us out of the house & makes us happier. Opponents say it makes spring & summer mornings darker, which makes us less productive at work much of the year. They also say it causes us to consume more energy. I'm unable to participate in the conversation because I haven't finished my firs pot of coffee.

"As I see it, if DST is going to keep us forever disoriented, why adjust our clocks forward & backward by only one hour? Why not move them forward to 2030 so I can begin collecting Social Security--or backward to 1984, when I had a 29-inch waist & was still able to date really good-looking ladies? Whatever the case, my mother is especially worried about my difficulty adjusting to DST changes. She jokes that I'll be late for my own funeral. Or an hour early."