Notoriety? Mental Health? A Stigma? Too Late!

mental health Monday

Mental Health Disorders . . . A Stigma Still Attached?

Some of you may have seen that I was a "front page celebrity," on the Norfolk News FRI 5/6 edition . . . Headline:  "Blogging serves as self-therapy for Norfolk man." There was even a picture of me--in color--sprawled on the sofa of our living room, blissfully blogging away. [Inquiring minds may want to know . . . Does he really blog while wearing slacks & a dress shirt? Answer:  No. Usually he wears a tie, too . . . Just kidding! The picture was posed. The alternative would have been posing in my pajamas & slippers. Let's not go there.]

I have to admit, it felt good to know that the editor of our local newspaper--which I subscribe to & read faithfully every day * --was familiar with my blog. When he contacted me to see if the Daily News could put a link to my blog on its own web site & start things rolling by having a reporter interview me--I agreed w/no hesitation.
* For which neither have received any promotional consideration. **
** Neither have I, sadly, received any remuneration.

Well, maybe a little hesitation . . . a little trepidation. [DISCLAIMER: Indulgent past history being rehashed!!] I left my position as head administrator at Lutheran High Northeast in Norfolk, NE, in November 2014, because my chronic depression--clinically diagnosed over 10 years--got the best of me, leading to a serious case of burn-out, leading to the Board "asking" me to take an indefinite, medical leave of absence in order to get well. They were right to do so . . . & they were within their rights to do so. I needed help . . . They were looking out for me . . . I certainly wasn't looking out for myself . . . nor was I heeding the sage wisdom of my spouse.

I had been taking medication for over ten years to help me cope w/chronic, clinical depression; also had more recently been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder & begun taking medication for that, too. I had undergone cognitive behavioral therapy some years earlier until that therapist & I agreed at that time that I had made enough progress to discontinue our sessions . . . some years earlier. *
* It is possible, given the right circumstances, to suffer from clinical depression & function quite well ** in one's profession. **
** "Quite well" . . . Let's not go there either.

Ironically, the week before my Board asked me to take an indefinite leave of absence in order to get help, I had began seeing a mental health therapist again . . . & still am.

Why am I divulging all this? I'll . . . because it is somewhat painful for several reasons? *
* I guess I might as well divulge--for the sake of transparency & full disclosure--that I am under the ongoing care of a psychiatrist, too. Psychiatrists typically have the responsibility of managing medication.

Reason #1:  It brings up some painful memories for me . . . memories that go back over ten years. I've had "minor" relapses & experienced other episodes over the years . . . some, I am fairly certain, dating back even before I was clinically diagnosed. I always seemed to bounce back w/o medication & w/o professional counseling. Why wasn't I able to do so this time? I continue to struggle with that issue.

Reason #2:  Admitting to those you love . . . admitting to your peers & those you serve that you suffer from a mental illness--because chronic, clinical depression IS a mental illness--is a very difficult thing to do. There was a side of me that knew that I was digging myself into a deeper & deeper hole . . . My self-remedies were not working like they had in the past . . . My sinful pride was proving to be a huge barrier to getting better . . . to agree that (1) I couldn't do it myself; (2) I needed professional help; & (3) at least in my mind, feeling like I was giving up, surrendering . . . Those were all formidable things for me to do!

Reason #3:  At the time I went on leave, I realize now that I was not thinking clearly. I left my position in early November . . . almost 100% confident that I would be back by the first week of January . . . In fact, to show you how flawed my perspective had become, there was a side of me that welcomed the "leave of absence" so I could get my administrative responsibilities done at home . . . catch up . . . free from the many interruptions, meetings, etc., at school . . . Boy, was my perspective flawed!

Reason #4:  Ultimately, I realized that a 6-week leave of absence wasn't going to cut it, so I asked for an extension . . . & another extension . . . & another. Lois & I attended a retreat @ Shepherd's Canyon in Arizona during the last week of January [quite a sacrifice to be sure], which was truly a blessing. I came back from that retreat, knowing that {1} it would be awhile yet before I could resume my responsibilities; & {2} I had to admit to myself & my Board that returning to my responsibilities FT might lead to burning myself out again in the future . . . Maybe we could discuss a re-writing of administrative job descriptions?

Ultimately what happened was my Board decided that it was in both my best interest & the school's best interest to call another head administrator . . . That hurt . . . and it was also very, very humbling . . . because I couldn't entirely fault them for making that decision.

Last fall Pastor Wilke--my pastor--threw me a lifeline by inviting me to write devotionals for Orphan Grain Train. I say "lifeline," because I was coming up on a year since I left my position at Lutheran High. My position as a "commissioned minister" on the LCMS synodical roster of church workers had been changed to "inactive," meaning that I could--at least for the foreseeable future--no longer receive or seek a call to another position. After years of being very certain about my spiritual gifts, I no longer had a grip on what those spiritual gifts might be. I was floundering . . . 

I say "stigma," because I'm thinking that for many people "mental illness" doesn't automatically come to mind when the topic turns to "clinical depression." The thought of divulging my various mental health conditions in the form of a public disclosure via the local newspaper? You might call that a somewhat intimidating decision . . . People tend to look at you differently when they know you have a mental illness . . . don't they?

But now it's a moot point . . . And my prayer is that somehow, some way my experience may provide some insight, some benefit to others who have experienced, are experiencing, and/or suspect they may be experiencing depression, anxiety, whatever . . . [CAUTION:  It takes a mental health professional to make that diagnosis . . . and it takes a mental health professional and/or professional team to get you on the right course of treatment.]

And that's the name of that tune! [Sorry. I'm prone to cultural references that may or may not be familiar . . . And, as I will continue to remind my readers . . . It's my blog . . . and I blog for self-therapy as much as anything else!]

A Few More Caveats *

* I'm also prone to getting "wound up." In case you haven't noticed . . . I'm wound up this morning.

1. In the Daily New interview, I specifically mentioned my son Nathan as a key technical advisor in my development as a blogger. I regretfully failed to mention my daughter Sarah . . . also a key advisor. Now that I think of it, my daughter Rachel is also a key "component" to my blogging, since she & her siblings have been & no doubt will continue to be an endless source of material for me.
2. It has been my experience--validated by mental health professionals--that when it comes to depression, it's not unusual for others to sympathize with your plight . . . at least initially. However, it's also not unusual for those feelings to slowly--or not so slowly--erode and/or disappear over time, i.e., "Okay, you've had time to get help, time to get treatment . . . so shouldn't you be better by now?" I'm just sayin.'
3. There is no such thing as a "one size fits all" picture of clinical depression. You may picture someone with chronic depression as someone walking around with a rain cloud positioned continually above his/her head . . . rain continually pouring down . . . a mopey look of doom & gloom constantly affixed to his/her face . . . 
4. Or maybe you picture someone who is constantly complaining . . . constantly whining  [Well, I did a lot of that, now that I think about it.] . . . 
5. Or maybe you know of others . . . maybe this describes your own nature . . . who literally couldn't drag themselves out of bed in the morning . . . couldn't force themselves to go to work . . . couldn't stand to be in the company of others . . . had trouble sleeping . . . or spent way too many hours sleeping . . . who even had self-destructive thoughts or tendencies . . .  
6. Yeah, I can relate to all that, but NOT all of that . . . & that's perhaps a subject for another blog, because today's blog has turned into a beast.

Reason(s) to be Anxious? Depressed? Both?

First it was Kansas . . . Now we're victims of Northern Minnesota. Check out this link, which chronicles possible dire consequences for our respiratory health. I found it while browsing on Facebook this past SAT 5/7. We were in Lincoln. It was noticeably hazy outside. Lois was certain she had seen a link--I'm not sure it was this one--about forest fires in northeast MN. I speculated that it was smoke drifting from the huge fires in Alberta. As is all too often the case, she was right. [Conjecture:  I am possibly more anxious that she was right & my mental, speculative capacity was deficient.]

Not so fast . . . I found another link while browsing FB on SAT 5/7, which also mentioned the huge fire in Alberta as a source--perhaps the MAJOR source--of the haze drifting south across not just Nebraska but a major portion of the upper Midwest, even southward into Missouri, Kansas [which seems fair] & Oklahoma. Unfortunately, I forgot to post the link. I speculated that I might need an extra pill at bedtime on SAT 5/7, only to speculate later that I most likely would NOT need an extra pill . . . And, in fact, I did NOT take an extra pill that night. . . [as far as you know]. *
* Not to put too fine a point on it . . . but it's really none of your business.

I spoke too soon . . . I took the time to read this article, which came from the Grand Forks, ND, newspaper, I think. One of the counties affected is Crow Wing County, MN, which--I'm pretty sure--is in close proximity to my cousins' cabins-vacation homes on Little Island and/or 3rd CrowWing Lake(s), located near Nevis, MN . . . Looks like there MAY be an extra pill in store for me before bedtime on SUN 5/8. [Watch for an update on MON 5/9.]

UPDATE at 6:30a on MON 5/9:  A cousin confirmed that these cabins-vacation homes are located in Hubbard County . . . still too close for comfort . . . still somewhat a cause for concern.

Taglines from Drudge Report (found while browsing on SUN 5/8):

• "Witchcraft Grows in USA . . . " [Sorry . . . I DO believe in demonic activity . . . so, coupled w/my OCD, it doesn't take much for a tagline like this to push me almost over the edge . . . And clearly, CLEARLY I tell you . . . Why would I risk reading the actual article? *]
• "Spells, communing with spirits . . . " [Ditto.]
• "Monster Canada Wildfire Could 'Double in Size'" . . . [No, I didn't bother reading this article either, because I knew it ALSO would likely only add to my general anxiety disorder--SEE previous comments above--but I will offer these two insights: {1} As this wildfire expands, it could potentially combine w/the Northern MN wildfire, endangering the Hill Family 2016 Family Reunion in the Twin Cities; and {2} While God promised that He would never again send a world-wide flood of Biblical proportions to devastate the Earth, He made no such promise re:  a world-wide forest and/or range fire of Biblical proportions to devastate the earth. I'm just sayin.' ] **

* Answer? I wouldn't.

** Those of you who claim deeper theological insight than I have . . . especially those of you who are grounded in the original languages of the Old & New Testaments *** . . . please feel free to correct me.]

*** Hint . . . the original languages do NOT include Norwegian.

A Symptom of OCD

Once again, while browsing FB on the aforementioned date, I let myself get sucked into one of those notoriously pseudo-scientific quizzes . . . this one an actual, deviously, compulsive , 29-question quiz, which was artfully disguised to trick those of us w/OCD into believing it could determine what our nicknames should be. I am not proud to admit that I fell for the trap . . . 

And after dutifully answering the 29 questions . . . seriously . . . because of my clinically diagnosed OCD . . . the result? My nickname should be . . . 

DISCO POTATO!

Why? I drew upon the pseudo-wisdom of the site itself:  

• "You seem both youthful & wise beyond your years." [It's true . . . I am a relatively youthful 63 . . . which, as everyone knows, is the "new 53 . . . Wise beyond my years? You be the . . . never mind.]
• "People may have told you that you are just like either your mother or your father." [I honor the memory of my late father & mother--especially the day after Mothers' Day--by NOT dignifying this comment w/a retort.]
• "You like to have fun but you like to sit back & relax sometimes, too." [What if "liking to have fun" is tantamount to "relaxing sometimes, too" . . . too?!]
• "You're a bit of an enigma." [I know you are . . . but what am I?!]

Why did I interject this folderol into this feature of mental health MON . . . Well, duh . . . What if this nickname sticks?

• I guess I would have no one else to blame, since here I am blogging about it . . . & I think I may have inadvertently [actually, it was vertently{?}] posted the result on FB.
• I think I would prefer the more noble sounding "Enigmatic Potato." Here's why:  Last summer, while Lois & I were vacationing in West Yellowstone, MT, we had access to satellite TV in our rental cabin . . . We were watching a lot of Fox News in the evening *. One of two big stories? The lady who had just been "outed" by her parents as being born white but had been passing herself off as a black person. The debate in the national media had some claiming that if she identified with the black community, she should be accorded that status. As we were driving back to Nebraska several days later, we spent a few hours at the Battle of the Little Bighorn National Historic Site. Following an awe-inspiring presentation by a historian on "Last Stand Hill," I couldn't help feeling that I possessed [not in the same sense as the aforementioned tagline from the Drudge Report] a kinship with ancient Cheyenne warriors who wiped out that Indian-hater Custer & his 7th Cavalry cohorts. So, I declared myself to be a Cheyenne warrior. Now I'm thinking that Enigmatic Potato is a more worthy nickname than Disco Potato . . . ** 

* After a long day of strenuous hiking & sight-seeing in Yellowstone National Park, we were in neither mental nor physical condition to figure out an easy way to channel surf.

** And now I'm experiencing some anxiety that I may have just written a politically incorrect post that will bring me some grief. ***
*** But obviously not anxious enough to refrain from this post. ****
**** My sister has posted a comment on FB, suggesting that any nick that includes the word "Potato" cannot be considered dignified.