OCD

Back in January (2015), my psychiatrist decided that he wanted me to undergo a neuro-psych evaluation, basically because I didn't seem to be responding to his medication regimen. I agreed. I had "voluntarily" undertaken an indefinite, personal, medical, leave-of-absence in early November, fully expecting to be back on the job by after Christmas break. This was the result of my own recognized symptoms of burnout, which were also increasingly evident to those I worked with & for. By the time that Christmas break drew to a close, it was obvious to both Lois & me that I was NOT ready to return to work.

Already the previous spring I had consulted with my doctor about my concerns. I seemed to be slipping into a depressive state. I was having trouble sleeping, feeling more anxiety, & definitely feeling more overwhelmed with my responsibilities at work. You know what they say about working smarter, not harder. Well, I was working harder, if by harder you mean longer. Smarter? That was open to debate.

We had tweaked my anti-depressant & added a medication to help with my ability to focus, because I was clearly having problems focusing & staying on-task. He added a diagnosis of "general anxiety disorder" to my already diagnosed condition of depression & put me on a medication which is commonly prescribed for persons with ADHD. I told him that I'd been letting people know for years that I suspected that I had AOADHD. What? You know, "Adult Onset ADHD." He quite seriously informed me that there was no such thing. Well, I'm not sure that I agree, but I digress.

I was administered the neuro-psych tests in early Februrary, which I actually--I'm quite serious--found quite intellectually stimulating. (Yes, that fact in-and-of-itself may be a commentary on my mental health at that time.) The clinical psychologist who tested me & provided his evaluation added two more clinical diagnoses, one of which was obsessive compulsive disorder. This did not make me happy. (His additional diagnosis? Maybe I'll save that for another post.)

When my psychiatrist went over the results with me, I expressed my unhappiness & skepticism. He explained that (1) OCD operated on a spectrum; (2) if I truly had this disorder, I was operating on a lower end of the spectrum; & (3) the most recent anti-depressant that he had switched me to was known to help alleviate symptoms of OCD. I did not leave his office that day feeling any more relieved. It was like, "Great, Paul, you have yet one more condition that's dragging you down & postponing & complicating your recovery. I hope to God (pardon me) my Board doesn't get its hands on this report." And this also confirms what Lois has been telling you.

So why am I telling you this? * Well, first of all, it may occur to you that you may be suffering from OCD. Rather than describe symptoms that you can easily google for yourself--but I counsel you to go to a reputable web site, like Mayo Clinic's--I'll just reinforce what my doctor said. It's possible that you may have symptoms, but OCD operates on a continuum. In hindsight, I recognize that I did & still do have symptoms, but not the more drastic ones. I do not wash my hands repeatedly after coming into contact with keyboards, surfaces like kitchen counters or other people's hands, etc. I do not feel compelled to turn light switches off & on dozens of times upon entering or exiting a room, etc.  However. OCD is a real condition which plagues some people to the point of making it virtually impossible for them to function. 

By the way, if after reading this blog you suddenly realize that you've spent 8 hours visiting over 36 web sites related to "obsessive compulsive disorder," you just may have OCD. 

For me the biggest indicator was endless list-making & editing. Are you familiar with the MS Outlook program? It has an excellent To-Do List feature, which had been serving me very well...until it turned into a 4-page beast, which I felt compelled to work through every morning when I got to school. Before I really get started on anything else. I had to go through it & remove those tasks I had finished the day before. I had to add new tasks, which I had already written in my paper Planner in advance. Some of those Outlook tasks had sub-lists, which I could bring up & print-out by clicking onto them. Ultimately, I was able to print out my general school list, my list of projects, my personal list, & possibly several other lists. Those went into my paper planner, & throughout the day I checked off tasks, wrote annotations, added to the list, etc. (I also logged my time on the calendar side of the planner.)

Did I know that it was a hopeless task for me to address even a fraction of these daily tasks? Of course I did. Could I summon the will to address what I knew to be a self-destructive habit? Apparently I did not, because it was taking me an increasingly longer & longer amount of time to organize & re-organize, edit & re-edit my To-Do list when what I actually needed to do was attack the tasks on my list. That, my friends, is a sign of a mental health issue.

That doesn't even address my daily-monthly-annual calendar issues, also associated with both my Outlook program & paper planner. 

It took me hours to write my faculty newsletters & Board reports, because they had to be perfect, as well as all-inclusive. So I had to proof-read, edit & proof-read again, & re-edit again, not to mention I kept thinking of just one more thing I better add. They turned into beasts, & I began to seriously doubt whether few if anyone was even reading them. It didn't matter. 

Here's my encouragement. It's taken me a long time to address this issue. It's an ongoing process that can still really, really plague me, but: 

• While not all compulsive, obsessive behaviors are bad, they can easily drive you batty. (That, by the way, is not considered a clinically helpful term.)

• I can make all the excuses I want, but it's counter-productive & not an effective way for me to deal with stress, anxiety, & depression. Making constant notations of the endless geothermal phenomena in Yellowstone National Park did not necessarily add to my aesthetic enjoyment of my 40th Anniversary Odyssey. Which my wife helpfully pointed out to me a gazillion times.

• You do NOT have to suffer the effects of OCD, or, should I say, there are steps you can take to soften them, but first you have to accept that you may be suffering from it & it's not to your credit. It can wear on you & the people around you.

• There is therapy that can help you. My clinical therapist, whom I see once a week, has proven to be a God-send for me.

• Listen to your spouse when she (or he) points out the obvious flaws in your behavior & thinking (& don't give her dirty looks). She (or he) is (most likely) on your side.

• There is medication you can take to help you, & taking such medication is not a sign of weakness. (Something called "placebo" did, however, prove to have only a short-term, positive effect on me.)

* Why else am I telling you all this? This is a form of self-therapy for me. Writing has proven to be an outlet. Is there a danger that blogging has become an obsession for me? Of course.