Depression, Apathy, & Other Meandering Thoughts

I feel very fortunate that I've never felt such a deep depression that I became a recluse--a prisoner in my own house, stuck in my bed all day, day after day, barely able to function, wishing I was dead. I realize that this is a very real & persistent problem for many who suffer from clinical depression.

I realize that some ultimately cannot bear the suffering any longer & feel that they have no recourse but to take their own lives. May God have mercy on their souls.

I do know what it's like to grow increasingly apathetic to the point where I really don't care whether I live or die, but I don't think that's the same as feeling suicidal. Maybe some of you can relate to this progression.

• Waking up in the morning & finding it difficult to get out of bed.
• Calling in "sick" after struggling with an excuse. (What will it be this morning? Upset stomach? Couldn't sleep last night? Headache?)
• Feeling conscience-bound to finally get up, get ready & go to work (or, in my case, school), albeit late.
• Sitting in the car outside work (for me it was school), having an internal argument as to whether I was actually going to get out, walk inside, go to work, or just take off.

This is coming from someone who for weeks, months, possibly even years would get to the school early & just sit in the car, marveling at how blessed he was that the Lord had called him to serve at such a special place in such a special time for such special people . . . eager to jump out, race (well, walk briskly) into the office, make that first pot of coffee, boot up the computer, check his email, & begin the tasks of the day.

Other signs of apathy for me:

• No interest in anything resembling a social life.
• Losing interest in my "quiet time" (Bible reading, devotion, meditation, prayer); really seeing little or no point in it.
• Reading for pleasure, one of my few hobbies? Nope, not finding much reading to take pleasure in.

Why am I writing this? Well, I continue to blog as a form of self-therapy, but I also hope that at least some who take the time to check this out may suspect or know for sure that they are suffering from clinical depression. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is help for you.

Medication has proven to help me, but you need to see an actual doctor. Therapy can help, & for me I've been blessed w/several clinical therapists who are also Christian. Keep on praying, regardless of how pointless you think it's become, how ritualistic you think it's become. I'm reminded of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman. Can't remember the name of the song, but some of the lyrics go like this:  "Now I lay me down to sleep/I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Though I never saw Him there/I believe He heard my prayers."

For most who suffer from clinical depression it may be one or a combination or possibly another treatment (& I would love to hear about alternate treatments). For example, writing has proven to be a very effective form of self-therapy for me. (I just have to be careful not to become overly obsessed about it. SEE previous blog re:  OCD.)

Just a couple more thoughts . . . Everyone goes through periods of being depressed. First, there is a difference between being depressed & suffering from clinical depression. I suggest you go to a reputable web site & check the symptoms of clinical depression. Remember, however, that it takes a professional to truly diagnose this condition. Secondly, being depressed is not a sign of moral failure. It is undoubtedly a combination of factors including genetics, possible emotional trauma, & chemical imbalances within the brain. Being ashamed of being depressed is counter-productive to the healing process. Finally, many people want you to be well, especially your loved ones. And you have a Savior who wants you to be well!