Meditation on OCD + Reasons to be Depressed & Anxious

Mental Health Monday

My struggles with OCD

• First a reminder . . . which I've disclosed before . . . I have a diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is associated w/my diagnosed mood disorders.
• Secondly . . . which I've also disclosed before . . . as much as I hope my insights may be able to help others, I also blog for my own self-therapy . . . & it helps. [And you might consider writing, blogging, journaling as a form of self-therapy . . .
• There is a difference between habits & OCD, which is why I've included this link about OCD from the Mayo Clinic . . . a source I trust . . . also a source that I've referenced before. [And I'll acknowledge that some of the following might fall more into the category of habits--or at least bad habits--than OCD behaviors.]

EXAMPLES OF OCD BEHAVIORS THAT HAVE [& STILL DO] PLAGUE ME 

DISCLAIMER #1:  The following section is lengthy & deeply personal. 

• My To-Do list & multiple calendars definitely became an obsession as I grew increasingly burned out, prior to beginning my "sabbatical" from Lutheran High in November 2014. My Outlook To-Do list had stretched into 4 pages . . . & some of those items had To-Do lists of their own . . . I had a difficult if not impossible time forcing myself to eliminate items that had been on "forever" . . . items that I think I realized I had little or no chance of attending to . . . I just couldn't bear the thought that I might be deleting something that was of utmost importance . . . something that I would regret deleting at a later time.
• Basically the same thing happened re: email & my multiple Outlook email storage files . . . Typically the first thing I did when I got to school every morning was check my email . . . the continue with email & To-Do list "triage" . . . & use this as a spring-board for the "new & improved" To-Do list . . . It wasn't unusual for this to take me well over an hour . . . even while a part of me realized that it was a colossal waste of time & I should be using the time to actually work on some of the items on the list.
• DISCLAIMER #2: This one is "meta"-deeply personal [& a little weird.] Saying prayers on the staircase before heading upstairs to my room at home . . . This is a secret that I'm not sure I've shared with many people . . . but for the sake of transparency & self-therapy . . . here goes. When I was growing up & got my own room, I began saying a short pray on the first step of the staircase leading upstairs in our house on Main Street . . . Then it became a short prayer on each of the first two steps . . . Then the first three steps . . . It may have continued thru steps #4 & 5 [I don't remember.] Was this already some indications of OCD at an early age? Or was I just a weird kid? [It did become very vexing to me, but I think I got over it . . . again, not sure I remember.] 
• DISCLAIMER #3:  I've not yet developed OCD behaviors like obsessive hand-washing, checking & re-checking to make sure doors are locked & lights are turned off, making sure I walk the same # of steps to & from any location, endlessly arranging & re-arranging the items on my desk . . . although I will admit that I've gone through phases when I had to have all my hang-up clothes arranged & hung up in the correct order in the closet for the entire school week before I went to bed on Sunday nights . . . annoying habit or OCD?! 
• Writing & editing . . . I started obsessing over re-reading, editing, re-re-reading, re-re-editing my "professional writing--first of all because of school parents who were prone to pointing out every little mistake in our school newsletters, other publications, Board reports, etc. You know what? That wasn't all bad, since I type very fast & compose as I type. Thanks to them [No, I'm not being entirely facetious.], I was reminded to be a more thoughtful & careful writer; also made better use of enlisting others to proof my writing before publishing . . . Here's the rub . . . I became increasingly obsessive to the point of overkill . . . spending literally hours [You can ask those who worked with me] over my writing, whether it was a parent newsletter, handbook, faculty bulletin, board report, a plethora of memo's, whatever [No, seriously. Hours!] Not only that . . . I became increasingly verbose [already a tendency, as you may have gathered], because I was became increasingly obsessed w/the notion that I had to include more & more of what was important . . . I could always think of one more thing that had to be included . . . Then I had to polish that "one more thing" . . . which turned into two, three, countless more things. Two page newsletters & reports became 3 or more pages . . . Paragraphs became lengthier & lengthier . . . The devotionals I was writing for our Daily Announcements became drawn-out & unwieldy [a tendency I still have to fight when I write my on-line devotions & devotionals for OGT] . . . & once again--even as this was happening--I had the sense that I was wasting time & sinking deeper into an abyss. [That sounds way too dramatic, doesn't it.] . . . One more thing . . . I can get hooked on writing my blog entries or devotionals & spend the better part of an afternoon or evening on them, neglecting other responsibilities, too. [Being the perceptive blog-reader that you are, you have no doubt guessed that this entry is an example.]
• Prayer lists & my prayer life in general . . . I've used prayer lists for many years, & I think they are a very helpful tool [& no problem theologically speaking], but when prayer lists fall into the same category as To-Do lists? You guessed it--OCD seems to be rearing its ugly head . . . & this is something I still struggle with . . . I would like to think that this could partly be attributed to genuine Christian love, because as I pray for people & other needs, it triggers even more people & needs to pray for . . . but it just as easily could be ascribed to a compulsion . . . Worse, I think it may contribute to a feeling of frustration that makes me often reluctant to start praying . . . which is an important part of my daily "quiet time!" . . . On the other hand, it could just be a sign of continued spiritual immaturity & yet another sign that I still have a long way to go.
• DISCLAIMER #3:  Confession time . . . Using OCD as a crutch . . . I've blogged before that it can be easy for me to develop a comfort level about my own depression & use it as an excuse for a myriad of "bad" behaviors . . . The same can be said for OCD. Example? Spending an inordinate amount of time writing a devotional . . . refusing to be satisfied until it meets 185% of my expectations . . . having my spouse "call me" on it . . . & getting defensive because "that's part of a good writer's writing process . . . Yeah, right.

Okay, I think that's enough self-therapy & self-disclosure. As I go back & review what I just wrote, it sounds very, very self-absorbed, but I can't bring myself to do any more editing & re-editing . . . Hey! Maybe that's a good sign?!

Other Topics Re:  Mental Health That Caught My Interest Lately

>  Do you believe in gut instincts? Obviously "gut instincts" are mental in nature . . . or are they? Check out this link & see what you think. 

>  Pot . . . a harmless drug? Why shouldn't we be legalizing it for recreational use? Check out this link.

Reasons to be Depressed? Anxious? *

* It's possible that the nature of this entry, combined with a 2nd consecutive day of rainy, very dreary weather, is merely contributing to an already way too long entry . . . Too late!

Ever worry about what would happen if super-villains were real & threatened us w/both personal & global-wide havoc & destruction? We may not have to worry about that. Check out this link via "We Are the Mighty" via Drudge via Jonah Goldberg (4/16). [It's possible that Lois & I have been watching too many comic-book inspired Netflix series lately . . . Marvel: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. . . . Flash . . . Coming up next, I think? Arrow!]

Should I be worried because I can only count a handful of "true friends" on the fingers of one hand? Should you? Check out this link via "The Telegraph News" via Jonah Goldberg via Drudge (4/16).

My road trip plans have changed . . . Road trips have proven to be very self-therapeutic for my mental health over the years. The drive to Lincoln & back over the weekend made me scale back my plans for a road trip later this week. Both legs & my back got very stiff & sore, as I constantly kept shifting around to take the pressure off my "recovering" hip & the still very sore muscles of my left leg. My left leg in particular kept falling asleep, & even though I made it a point to get out & stretch every hour, it was a chore to get out of the car & get moving each time . . .  I was really looking forward to a mini-road trip out West, like I took last year to the Sand Hills & Valentine area, when Lois & her little friends from Christ Lutheran attended the NETA Conference in Omaha, but now I'm resigned to a much shorter trip . . . no more than a one-hour drive from Norfolk up to Yankton . . . only one night in a luxury motel * . . . Very limited sight-seeing opportunities . . . Sigh.
* Days Inn

Back-sliding . . . This morning I return to Orphan Grain Train. I haven't been to the office in over a month [since before my hip replacement], & I really am looking forward to it . . . I'll also be returning to CLS to tutor, also for the first time since before my surgery, & I'm looking forward to seeing her kids again--they cheer me up! My worry? While I've been home, I've been able to spend more time doing my PT exercises [although last week was not a great week] . . . also avoid snacking for the most part.

• There will be many temptations for snacking at the OGT offices.
• When I couldn't drive, I also couldn't head out for fast food or shop for junk food. As I started driving a week or so ago, that situation has changed.
• As I've been able to take longer walks, my appetite has returned. 
• I continue to use food as a crutch when I'm stressed & anxious . . . I've been more stressed & anxious this past week . . . Yesterday I finished a small carton of Ben & Jerry's Fudge Brownie Batter ice cream . . . & told myself that I was doing myself a favor, because once I finished it, the temptation would be gone. [This could not only be OCD but also delusional thinking.]
• I don't have much self-confidence in my ability to stay resolved re:  healthy eating & exercise habits.