Paul's Pity Party

Mental Health Monday

Winter Doldrums

I've written before about SAD *. It's a recognized, diagnosable mental health disorder. However, a person can get a case of the "winter doldrums" without being affected with SAD. Over the past 3-4 weeks, I've definitely been feeling a case of winter doldrums. My symptoms have included a lack of energy, general malaise, apathy, lack of ambition, difficulty focusing, neglecting and/or putting off my typical household routines, irritability ** . . . I know, I know, you're beginning to wonder if I want a little cheese with that whine.
* Seasonal Affective Disorder
** Lois would say, "How would I know the difference?

After struggling with hip pain, which began earlier in the fall & just kept getting worse, I finally saw my p.a., had a hip x-ray, got referred to an orthopedic specialist, had more x-rays, followed by a referral to a cardiologist, which involve EKGs & a chemical stress test. Once I "passed" that test, I was cleared for a hip replacement, which is scheduled for TUE 3/15. ***
*** Arthritis, deterioration of cartilage, a few other things that were pointed out on the x-ray, but I can't remember all of them.

The thought has crossed my mind that the idea of this pending surgery is messing with my mood big time. On the other hand, I had expected to feel a huge sense of relief once a decision was made, since the procedure could be scheduled & we could get it done & proceed with recovery, rehab, etc. On the other hand, I've found myself thinking a lot about many hassles involved. [Case in point? TV in the basement.] On the other hand, I've heard from many sources that people who've delayed this procedure before finally having it wondered why they didn't do it sooner. On the other hand, I may be obsessively worrying, especially since I tend to be a compulsive worrier, which is undoubtedly related to my OCD, which brings me to my next topic.

Using depression, anxiety, etc, as a crutch

It's too easy for me to let my moods, depression, anxiety, doldrums, whatever, as a crutch . . . to let depression become my default comfort zone. How so? By using my moods as an excuse to avoid responsibilities, to let myself be easily offended, to become easily annoyed, to feel self-righteous . . . I could go on, but this is making me feel depressed. Since one of the reasons I blog is for self-therapy, I'm wondering if this "session" is mainly for self-therapy, because I'm not sure I'm trying to be helpful. Sorry.

Reasons to be Gloomy? To Be Anxious?

I mentioned earlier that I am scheduled for a hip replacement on TUE 3/15. I cannot tell for certain whether this is contributing to my winter doldrums and/or general anxiety. I can tell you that it has put a possible damper on my bucket list. Therefore, I'm looking for insight from any of you who have had one or more joint replacements. Here are some items from my bucket list. Is this still a realistic list? Because I have a gloomy feeling that I may be over-reaching.

• Participating in the Iditarod Race
• Walking the length of the Great Wall of China
• Joining RAGBRAI
• Searching for Amelia Earhart
• Canoeing the length of Voyageurs National Park
• Competing in MMA
• Snorkeling with whale sharks
• Bungee-jumping from the New River Gorge Bridge

Have you heard of Making a Murderer, an original Netflix series? Have you seen it? I'm not sure if I should recommend it or not. I'm not sure it was a good choice for us to watch this series during my winter doldrums. Did it cause my doldrums? Did it contribute to my doldrums? It was a fascinating documentary, which Lois & I concluded last night, but it was more often depressing than not.*
* Even though we watched it based on a recommendation from my dear son & his wife, our dear daughter-in-law, I do not hold them responsible.

I've also been reading The Pessimist's Guide to History--An Irresistible Compendium of Catastrophes, Barbarities, Massacres, and Mayhem--From 14 Billion Years Ago to 2007. (Harper Collins, 2008). Basically, it's 466 pages of brief paragraphs to 1-page or so narratives of "catastrophes, barbarities, massacres, & mayhem". Examples?

• 6 million yrs ago: Mediterranean Sea Dries Up
• 1490 BC:  Biblical Plagues of Egypt
• 64:  Nero Persecutes the Christians
• 1892:  Lizzie Borden Axe Murders
• 1999:  Chaos at Columbine High

These are just some "teasers." The parade of earthquakes, fires, plagues, floods, murders, assassinations, wars is relentless. Again, I'm not sure it was a good choice for me to be reading this book during my winter doldrums. Is it contributing to my doldrums? Because as I type this on the evening of SUN 2/21, I'm still reading it! What's wrong with me?! *
* Don't be too harsh w/me. I don't think I'm the only person who gets to a certain point in a book, questions whether he or she really wants to finish it, but has invested so much time & energy in it, that the thought of just casting it aside is too much to bear.

Excerpt from Norfolk Daily News (2/20/16):  "Snake head in can. An Oregon food distribution company has halted some shipments of canned green beans after a Utah woman said she found a severed snake head in a can. The unsettling discovery was made WED night at a Mormon church in Farmington, UT, while a meal was being prepared for older members of the congregation. Troy Walker said she was taking beans out of a slow cooker when she spotted something odd. 'It looked pretty much like a burnt bean, & then as I got closer to lift it off the spoon. I saw eyes,' Walker said. 'That's when I just dropped it & screamed.'" [Tastes like chicken?]