Reflections on Christmas + Depression + Anxiety + Bonus Features

Mental Health Monday

Christmas Reflections

I started writing this on the morning of Christmas Eve. We're getting some snow! It's not supposed to amount to more than an inch or two, but it's making it look very nice outside. The odds of a White Christmas in Nebraska? Actually the odds are against it. I like looking at it. I don't like shoveling it, driving in it, or walking the dog in it. When we moved to Hawaii in 1993, we were told that we would miss the snow. We didn't miss the snow.

I took the dog out for his early morning walk. It was what I label a "power walk," meaning we did what I consider the shortest walk possible in order to give him the best opportunities possible to "post his messages" (if you catch my drift). He doesn't seem to mind the snow or the cold, & it actually didn't feel all that cold.

Before taking him for a walk, I finished most of my "quiet time," which included readings from "Martin Luther Day by Day," "Lutheran High Northeast Advent Devotions [an exceptionally well-written, thoughtful devotion entitled, "Sing to the Lord," based on Psalm 98], today's on-line devotion from Slice of Infinity, hosted by RZIM, plus some liturgical propers for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day from Lutheran Worship.

Lois pointed me to some Christmas columns from writers to National Review Online--most of which were more theological in nature than political. [SEE below.] I booted up a Youtube from Mercy Me, performing "I Heard the Bells," & Lois played a Youtube of Lauren Daigle performing "Noel." All of these sources contributed to a very meaningful quiet time for me.

Update #1:  Now I'm typing this on SAT 12/26. Looks like we got another 4" of snow overnight.

Update #2:  And I'm wrapping this up on MON 12/28. When I took Sammy on his early morning walk today, temperature was 8. Wind chill was -3. Didn't check other temps, but I'm pretty sure we could have finished #1, had I taken the time to do a LECKBAND TEMP CHALLENGE. We were still in a winter weather warning when we went to bed last night with 6-10" of snow possible; now they've backed off the forecast to a winter weather advisory w/2-5" more likely by the end of today. We started getting some light snow around 10:00a It's 11:30a now. Whatever.

Reflections on Depression

I've come a long way since last Christmas. A year ago I was on an indefinite medical leave from my responsibilities as head administrator at Lutheran High Northeast, due to an advanced case of "burnout" in laypersons' terms [chronic clinical depression in mental health terms]. I had somewhat reluctantly accepted the decision of my Board to take a leave of absence at least until January. My wife, whose advice I should have taken sooner, my District President, & the people who worked closely with me were all of one mind, but I hadn't quite come to terms with it yet.

In fact, at this point a year ago I was still thinking along these lines:  Yippee! The extra time away from the office means time to catch up! No meetings . . . No daily interruptions & "administrivia" . . . Did I understand that things had piled up so badly at school that I couldn't function effectively?  

Well, yes, perhaps a part of me did, yet I wasn't fully embracing how serious my condition was affecting not just myself but others. That realization wouldn't come until later in January when Lois & I attended a Shepherd's Canyon Retreat in Arizona, later in January. [Any reflections about that retreat are reserved for a future blog.]

A year later I'm no longer associated with LHNE, & I've accepted it. I've come to terms with my chronic, clinical depression, even while I wonder why, after experiencing various degrees of "burnout" & dealing with chronic depression for years, this particular episode hit so hard & rendered me unable to return to my professional ministry.

Here are my insights. Do with them what you will. [It's still MY blog.]

• Clinical depression is a very real illness. There are many places you can go on-line to check out symptoms, which I've shared before. I have found webmd to be a  helpful web site. Ditto the Mayo Clinic web site. 
• HOWEVER, there is no substitute for a diagnosis by a mental health professional, & by mental health professional, I'm talking about a psychiatrist.
• A general practice physician or p.a. can certainly diagnose & prescribe medication for depression, but a psychiatrist is a specialist, & I personally favor a specialist for a mental health diagnosis & treatment, just like I would favor an orthopaedic specialist if you think you've torn your ACL.
• I believe that chronic behavior is not necessarily a choice; it can be rooted in brain chemistry.
• A psychiatrist's role is primarily to diagnose, prescribe, & manage medications, not to provide therapy.
• Therapy is what you get from a mental health counselor--someone credentialed to provide therapy for someone suffering from chronic depression.
• Not everyone benefits from medication, but there is no shame in taking medication. If chronic depression is organic, it's no different than taking medication for diabetes or high blood pressure. 
• Not everyone benefits from therapy. In my case, a combination of therapy & medication seems to have worked best.
• If you associate "therapy" with a descriptor like "touchy-feely," think again. This is particularly true of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is primarily the kind of counseling I've experienced.
• Symptoms vary. I've always characterized my major symptoms as problems sleeping, major feelings of apathy, wanting to isolate myself from others, & general anxiety; as contrasted with walking around w/a cloud of doom & gloom following me around. I've never experienced feelings of self-destruction, but I know what it's like to not care whether I live or not. [At least I don't THINK it's the same thing.] 
• Getting outside & exercising helps. Daily walking has made a difference for the better with me. Using the treadmill when the weather is stinky is second best. At least when I'm on the treadmill I can watch t.v.

Summary:  I'm in a better place than I was a year ago at Christmas. I'm still not where I'd like to be. I've accepted--again--that chronic depression a life-long condition. There is a family history of it. It's easy to fall back on it as a crutch & use it as an excuse, which is not right. Writing, whether it be blogging or writing devotions for Orphan Grain Train or LHNE, definitely helps me. 

Reflections on Anxiety

Squirrel update:  Our horde of evil squirrels seem to think that unprovoked raids into our backyard can go unchallenged this time of year, especially when it's snowing and/or there is snow on the ground, like this morning. [Remember--I originally began this blog on Christmas Eve, then continued on SAT 12/26 & wrapped it up on MON 12/28.] Little do they realize that Sammy apparently takes little heed of the snow or cold, so when he starts barking excitedly, whether near the patio doors upstairs or at the outside door in the basement, we know what's afoot [a-paw?]. Either the little woman or I gladly unleash him to wreak havoc on these forces from the Dark Side. He invariably makes quick work of the threat, dispersing these nefarious creatures up into the highest branches of our pine trees. At least temporarily.

Personal circumstances update:  In early November, Liberty Mutual, the insurance company that manages my disability claim through Concordia Plan Services, notified me that in the opinion of THEIR board-certified psychiatrist I no longer met their criteria for a disability & should be able to resume my responsibilities as FT administrator @ Lutheran High Northeast. * That meant no more disability payments. They explained how to file an appeal, which I did, which included documentation from my mental health providers. The fact of the matter? Returning to my position @ LHNE is not an option, & I have accepted that I am not capable of resuming my duties as a FT administrator @ any Lutheran High School, even if I wanted to. Strangely, I have lost little if any sleep over this circumstance, & I attribute this to much prayer, the additional opportunities for "quiet time" over the past year, & my wife's resolute faith. That's progress, right? 
* Among other things cited in their letter, were these claims: {1} I've denied feeling depressed. {2} I've been able to participate in normal family activities, like family vacations. {3} I've been writing song?!

Medication update:  While I still take medication for my general anxiety disorder, I've cut back a little lately & so far haven't noticed any ill affects. Another sign of progress, right?

License plate update:  Despite my trip to Lincoln last week [I attended Brianna's band concert on THU 12/17 & participated in a GAC mtg on FRI 12/18.], I did not spot a New Hampshire license plate. Lois drove into Omaha for her appt w/her eye surgeon on MON 12/21. Ditto the results. We have a brief, 2-day "getaway" to Sioux Falls coming up, Dec 28-30--probably our last, best chance to spot this elusive license plate. * We take heart in the knowledge that we didn't spot our last license plate in 2014 until Dec. 30. Regardless, I don't seem to be losing any sleep over this either.
* Except now we're in a winter storm "hazard", including a possible 5-8" of snow on Friday. Take a deep breath, Paul. **
** Did I mention our hotel reservation is non-refundable? Breathe in with the nose, out through the mouth. ***
*** Wax on . . . wax off.

Hotel soap update:  Some of you know [especially if you are a member of my immediate family] that I collect [harvest] motel-hotel soap. Despite not attending as many conferences this past year, I still have plentiful reserves on hand, thanks to a few road trips, fewer yet conferences, counter-acted by some family vacations, & a few out-of-town weddings. While I'm currently out of motel-hotel shampoo & conditioner, I do not count on these "perks," since the resources that are supplied rarely last more than 3-4 days anyway, whereas the right motel-hotel chain provides soap that can last up to a week. Also don't seem to be losing any sleep over thhis either.

Christmas card & letter update:  At approximately 5:55p (CST) on Christmas Day, I finished signing & sealing my 2015 Christmas cards & letters. If you have followed any of my other blogs, you know that I did NOT get any cards or letters out for 2014, breaking a long-standing tradition. What's left to do? Hopefully on Saturday I put them all in the mail, although I have a batch that I will have to take to the post office & check to see if they need extra postage. * My nieces, nephews, & personal children are being gifted with a bonus Christmas insert, as recompense for the lack of a family letter last year.
* At about 11:30a (CST) on SAT 12/26, I put Batch #1 into our mailbox. Batch #2, which includes most immediate family members, has yet to be dispatched, because I have to take them either to the post office or Hy-Vee--which has a postal station & mail drop--to see if they need additional postage. When you get them--AND YOU WILL--you'll see why. **
** LATE-BREAKING UPDATE! I did, in fact, make it to Hy-Vee on SAT 12/26, & I'm happy to report that Batch 2 made it into the mail before the 2:00 mail pick-up time!

I recommend these sources of Christmas wisdom, insight & joy to you.

From YouTube:

• Search for Lauren Daigle's performance of "Noel." You can find a copy of this song w/the lyrics. You can also find a live version.
• Search for Mercy Me's version of "I Heard the Bells." I couldn't find a live version.
• Search for Casting Crown's live version of "I Heard the Bells." Very powerful. Gave me goose bumps!
• Search for Jars of Clay's live version of "Little Drummer Boy." Also very powerful. Also gave me goose bumps {at least the first 6 times I watched it.}

From National Review On-line:

Wait! Before you dismiss the following sources just because of the National Review label, I chose columns [with the exception of Jonah Goldberg's] that are all about Christmas & NOT partisan or political in nature. And if you take the time to read Jonah Goldberg's article, while it is partisan & political, I think you will find much to like about it. Pinky promise!

"This Thing Which Is Come to Pass," by Kevin Williamson. Decidedly NOT political.
"Washington Irving's Christmas," by Rich Lowry. Also decidedly NOT political. Includes     some historical insights about our celebration of Christmas.
"Christmas 2015:  History within History," by George Weigel. Very theological & NOT         political.
"The Only Christmas Gift That Matters," by Myra Adams. Very thought-provoking.     Contains historical, theological, & Christian apologetical insights.
"The War on Christmas," by Jonah Goldberg. Warning! This column is overtly political. HOWEVER, it's worth reading & contains some great insights, especially considering that Jonah Goldberg is Jewish & admittedly not a Christian. Here are three quotes from his column. [I hope they inspire you to read the entire column.]

• "Lastly, let me just say that I love Christmastime & I take no offense whatsoever when someone says to me, 'Merry Christmas' . . . If you know someone is not Christian or hates Christmas for some reason, & you say 'Merry Christmas' out of spite or vindictiveness, rather than with joy & good cheer, then you are the one putting the 'ass' in Christmass."
• "And take comfort in the knowledge that the Christmas haters are not merely losers, they are losing."
• "And by all means, let us redouble our efforts in our defensive war against relativism or the relentless erosion of our culture by political correctness. But there are other days of the year to have those arguments. The whole point of Christmas is not to have arguments. That's what Thanksgiving dinner is for."