There is No Place Like . . . NEBRASKA!
From Omaha World Herald (12/20/15): "NCAA VOLLEYBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS. NEBRASKA DEF. TEXAS 25-23, 25-23, 25-21." [Our VB team can beat up your FB team!]From OWH (12/17): "Noted for Talent." Nebraska is #2 per capita in producing college VB players . . . Natives of each state on Division I VB rosters in 2015, per million population: #1, Hawaii, 50.3/million; #2, Nebraska, 38.6; #4, TX, 29.1; #8, IA, 25.3; #22, MN, 15.0. ["I feel sunshine on a cloudy day . . . "]
Whimsy
Also from OWH (12/19: "Isis Pharmaceuticals decides to change its name. Isis Pharmaceuticals Inc., which shares a name w/the Islamic State extremist group, has changed its name to Ionis Pharmaceuticals after resisting the change for some time. 'We wanted to have a good feeling associated w/the company,' said the company's Amy Williford." [Dept. of Imaginary Conversations . . . CEO: What's your conclusion? CONSULTANT: For marketing purposes, it is absolutely imperative, not to mention common sense, to change your company's name from Isis to Ionis Pharmaceuticals. Now you owe me $250,000. ME: I could have told you that for $25,000. I'm just sayin'.]Mental Health Monday . . . Token Excerpt
From OWH (12/20): "Putting Boredom to Use . . . So what's the best way to indulge your own boredom? Do something different. Creativity professor Willie Baronet suggests engaging in conversation with someone who annoys you, or listening to music you don't ordinarily listen to . . . Stare at a dot or a crack in a wall . . . Draw a picture w/your non-dominant hand of what you had for breakfast . . . Write a haiku about a bad date . . . " [Or you could get yourself a bookmark, like I did for my grand-daughter's Christmas stocking. It had a minion on it; the caption read, "Keep calm & eat a banana!" Stare at that when you're bored.]From Norfolk Daily News (12/16): "Woman finds suspect in her husband's pajamas. Deputies said a wife thought her husband was having an affair when she found a 22-yr-old woman wearing his pajamas. Turns out the woman was just hiding from the law. The Volusia County (FL) Sheriff's Office said in a news release that Eryn Rice slipped into the couple's Deltona home on SUN after escaping from a deputy who'd arrested her for shoplifting. They said she washed her clothes, showered & took a nap.
"When the 73-yr-old woman first saw Rice, she thought her husband was cheating on her. The husband was playing golf. When he returned, he swore he'd never seen her before. Not knowing she was on the run, the couple drove Rice home. Later, they contacted authorities, who arrested Rice . . . " [First they gave her a ride home, THEN they contacted authorities?]
Food for Thought
From OWH (11/25): "Never say disaster: There's a holiday food fix . . . there's almost no kitchen mistake that can't be fixed as long as you stay calm [& maybe eat a banana. SEE comment above.] & keep an open mind. In fact, there may be only two things that are unfixable. We'll come back to those. Meantime, let's talk about the common holiday cooking problems & the best ways to fix them. [Rather than bore you w/unnecessary details, I've added my short-&-to-the-point advice.]- "Turkey isn't done. [Isn't that why they sell butane torches?]
- "Turkey done too soon. [Start eating turkey right away. Duh.]
- "Turkey is dry. [If you would have started 2nd or 3rd round of wine earlier, guests wouldn't care.]
- "Turkey isn't carving nicely. [That's a big deal? Once my son and/or son-in-law took over carving responsibilities, I learned to keep my mouth shut, regardless of how badly they butchered the fowl. JUST KIDDING, MEN! Keep up the good work!]
- "Beef or pork is overcooked (or cold) [SEE previous advice.]
- "Sauce is greasy. [If we're talking gravy, dump it on mashed potatoes and/or stuffing, mix thoroughly, problem solved.]
- "Gravy is lumpy. [Unless you want to be tasked w/this responsibility next year, shut up & eat up.]
- "Mashed potatoes are lumpy. [Ditto]
- "Green vegetables are overcooked. [Why even serve green vegetables? Don't gravy, potatoes & stuffing count as vegetables?]
- "Pie falls apart or crust crumbles. [Nothing extra whipped cream and/or ice cream can't cure.]
- "Whipped cream is over-whipped. [Ever hear of whipped cream in a can? My custom of squirting whipped cream directly into the mouths of my grand-daughters has really become a holiday tradition--one that 2-yr-old Bentley hasn't quite come to fully appreciate yet.]
- "Cake is dry. [SEE previous advice. Besides, who serves cake instead of pie for Christmas?]
- "Cake/cheesecake/pumpkin pie is cracked. [SEE previous advice.]
- "The unfixable two." [According to this article, "There are really only 2 kitchen errors that can't be easily repaired: If something is burned--not just singed or browned on the bottom--it's going to taste bad no matter what you do . . . The 2nd mistake that can't be fixed: over-mixed, gluey mashed potatoes." [I have no advice to counter the 1st unfixable mistake. Re: the 2nd unfixable mistake, I suggest having a bottle of Elmer's glue on hand. Offer guests glue as substitute for "over-mixed, gluey potatoes & see if they still complain.]
There Is No Place Like . . .
Missouri?
Also from NDN (12/15): "Not a town you'd like to call home . . . "Consider what it's like to live in Pagedale, MO . . . Because it was desperate to raise revenue, the town of about 3,300 residents embarked on a ticketing crusade. Since 2010, the number of non-traffic-related tickets levied against residents has increased nearly 500%. In 2014, the city issued 2,255 non-traffic tickets--roughly 2 citations for every household. Altogether, fines & fees now make up almost 20% of the city's budget."The list of infractions includes having holes in window screens, putting a basketball hoop or a wading pool in front of one's house, having a bbq in front of a house & walking on the left-hand side of a crosswalk. Basically, the entire city is like a homeowners' association from you know where." [For the record, I was born in Nebraska. My siblings, my wife, & her siblings? All born in Missouri, so I can neither confirm nor deny whether they see anything bizarre about this.]
Alabama?
Also from OWH (12/16): "Alabama mayor, council brawl during mtg. The mayor of Alabama's largest city got into a fight w/a city councilman during a meeting TUE, sending both men to the hospital. After the dust settled from the fracas in a small room outside the council chamber, Birmingham Mayor William Bell & Councilman Marcus Lundy both had minor injuries & could face charges. It's not clear what it was about." [Lumpy gravy @ the annual City Council holiday dinner?]New Hampshire!
Also from OWH (12/8): "Cop pays thief's tab for stolen cake ingredients. A [Portsmouth] N.H. police officer who responded to a shoplifting incident didn't make an arrest but instead paid the thief's tab after learning that the woman stole the items to bake her child's birthday cake . . . [Police office] Kotsonis says that the mother's actions weren't right, but, 'I'm not going to take away a kid's birthday cake.'. He went back to the store & bought the items. The woman wasn't charged. Frank Warchol, acting deputy police chief, said Kotsonis exemplifies the Dept's mission emphasizing community, commitment & compassion." [My only comment? What if you nabbed someone who turned out to be a hitman, & he had shoplifted ammunition because he had run out & was too poor to buy more?] ** My crack team of blog consultants has informed me that this is a stupid analogy.
Political TUE or Theological THU . . . Special MON edition--TAKE YOUR PICK!
Also from NDN (date??): "School cancelled over Islamic lessons. Schools in a Shenandoah Valley county in VA were closed FRI & a weekend holiday concert & athletic events were canceled amid an angry backlash about a school lesson involving the Islamic faith. Augusta County school officials said they had not received any specific threats but were alarmed by the volume & tone of the complaints, including some from outside VA, according to news reports. In response, additional police were stationed at county schools."Anger over the lesson has escalated since a teacher at Riverheads H.S. had students in her class complete an assignment 1 week ago. It involved practicing calligraphy & writing a statement in Arabic. The statement translated to: 'There is no god but Allah & Muhammad is the messenger to Allah.'"
- Dept. of Imaginary Conversations in Teachers' Lounge: ENGLISH TEACHER #1: I need an idea for a creative writing assignment involving a contemporaneous topic that will really engage my students & stimulate their creativity. TEACHER #2: What about teaching them to write in Hebrew script, then having them write a statement in Hebrew, like, "Unto us a child is born"? TEACHER #3: Are you serious? Way too controversial. And it would violate the separation of Church & State!
- Dept. of Imaginary Conversations in Superintendent's Office: SUPERINTENDENT: You don't think having your students write "There is no god but Allah & Muhammad is the messenger to Allah" in Arabic script, especially this time of year, WOULDN'T get parents & students riled up? TEACHER: Honestly, no. The thought never crossed my mind!
- One last comment: I'm not sayin' that you shouldn't have been alarmed by the "volume & tone of the complaints." I'm not sayin' you shouldn't have taken seriously the "anger over the lesson," & I'm not sayin' you shouldn't have stationed "additional police" at schools. I'm not even sayin' you shouldn't have cancelled school, the holiday concert & athletic events. I'm just sayin' that it's usually not the Christians who react violently to these kind of offenses.
No comments:
Post a Comment