Culinary Adventures + Political G.O.M.E.R.

More Than One Turkey

Culinary Adventures . . . WED 2/7

I/we are doing my/our best to improve my/our eating habits. It was I who suggested buying & baking a turkey breast. We would enjoy a turkey dinner & there would be plenty of leftover turkey for sandwiches * + salads.
* Paul's Simple Gourmet Turkey Sandwich:  spread mayo on one slice of whole wheat bread. Add white turkey meat + 1 slice of American cheese. Top w/lettuce + tomato. Add other slice of whole wheat bread. Enjoy.

Without really considering the consequences, I volunteered to do something that I had never done before . . . Baking a turkey breast on WED 2/7. Surprisingly, Lois didn't object, although she may have had 2nd thoughts after I asked her the same questions 3 nights in a row.

• Where is the turkey defrosting? IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
• Is the turkey in the refrigerator? I don't see it. IT'S ON THE 2ND SHELF IN PLAIN SIGHT.
• How long will it take for it to defrost? 24-48 HOURS.
• Will it be defrosted by Wednesday? YES.
• Are you sure? YES. YES.
• How will I know how long to bake it? LOOK AT THE DIRECTIONS ON THE PACKAGE.
• The directions are too small for me to read. GOOGLE IT.
• Should I use the roasting pan we use at Thanksgiving? THAT WILL WORK.
• Where's the roasting pan? Is it in the basement? DON'T WORRY. I'LL GET IT OUT.
• Are you going to get the roasting pan out for me tonight [Tuesday]? YES. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 
• [Friday morning] Did you find the roasting pan. NO, BUT YOU CAN USE THE BROILER PAN.
• Seriously? YES. YES. YES.

WED early afternoon. I googled "baking turkey breast" & was instructed to bake our 3 lb. turkey breast 48-57 minutes @ 325 degrees. Set alarm for 5:00p, which is when I plan to start baking turkey. Anxiety level:  7.0

4:55p. I can't wait any longer. I unwrap turkey from plastic cover. I manage to read instructions on cover. I am advised to bake the turkey for 1.5 to 2 hours @ 350 degrees, which creates somewhat of a quandary. I decide to go with directions on plastic cover. I am advised to thoroughly brush turkey + roasting pan w/vegetable oil. I am warned not to remove the strong netting from the turkey. Anxiety level:  7.5.

5:05p.  I put turkey on bottom rack of oven. Set timer for 90 minutes. Review directions again + note that I am to cover the turkey w/a foil net before allowing turkey to "over brown." Also discover that gravy mix is included in package. I text Lois to pick up mashed potatoes, hoping she checks her phone. She does. Mashed potatoes are a go! Anxiety level:  8.0.

5:55p. Lois gets home + I review what I've done. She doesn't yell at me. She also locates our meat thermometer + informs me that internal temperature of fowl must reach 165 degrees. Anxiety level:  8.5. 

6:12p. I review directions one more time. I am most anxious about over-cooking the turkey, which would ruin it, or under-cooking it, which could kill us. Anxiety level:  8.8.

6:40p. I putter around the kitchen. Timer is set to go off in a couple of minutes. Sammy keeps following me from living room to kitchen, always optimistic that maybe, just maybe this will be the time that I share people food w/him. Lois says "something smells good." That's a good sign, since she's not talking about me. Timer goes off. Anxiety level:  8.8

6:50p. After checking turkey + consulting Lois, who informs me that I don't need to construct the foil tent, I make gravy w/Lois' help + warm up mashed potatoes + green bean casserole [purchased from the Hy-Vee deli]. Anxiety level:  9.3

7:10p. Side dishes are done. Lois snitches bite of turkey; informs me that it's done. I carve turkey breast + fill plates w/turkey & side dishes. Anxiety level:  9.5

7:15p. Turkey dinner has reached its zenith. Lois pronounces everything good. We take our food down into the family watch to watch our latest Netflix series, The Flash. Anxiety level:  5.0

Will I attempt this again? Maybe, but I scratch plans to bake Lois a birthday cake from a mix--also something never before attempted.

Two Recommendations

diply.com:  Lots of videos. Lots of funny videos. The Internet equivalent of junk food.
ranker.com:  Lots of lists re:  celebrities, history, culture, sports, etc. Includes survey feature. Very entertaining. Somewhat educational.

Political Potpourri

From Wall Street Journal Online (wsj.com) via Drudge Report (2/7):  "Comedy Is Not Pretty, & Nowadays It Isn't even Funny," by Joseph Epstein:  "Enough people must share the views of these hosts to keep the careers of Maher, Colbert, Kimmel & Co. afloat, which is to say to keep their ratings high enough to be commercially viable. Yet these insufficiently funny comedians, with their crude political humor, do little more than add to the sad divisiveness that is rending the country. Something, surely, has been lost if one can no longer turn to comedy as a relief from the general woes of life & the greater farce this has for some some years now been playing out is in our everyday politics."  
COMMENTS: It's a pity, because occasionally I search out SNL skits on YouTube, & they can be very funny. Unfortunately, the political skits are very off-putting, although I give them some credit for lampooning HC during the last presidential campaign. I used to watch snatches of Bill Maher when I was on the road & channel-surfing. Remember "Politically Incorrect?" It was anything but. Rachel Maddow must have learned her smirk from watching him. Delights in humiliating guests who are conservative, Christians, Republicans. A coward because he preaches to the choir of his studio audience who delight in his antics. Stephen Colbert? A one-trick pony. *
* I just realized that this diatribe also qualifies for G.O.M.E.R. **
** Grumpy Old Men & Their Elucidating Rants