whimsical wednesday . . . special THU edition
Countdown to Hill Family Summer 2016 Family Reunion
According to my calculations, there are seven (7) calendar days remaining until the Family Reunion begins in Minneapolis on THU 6/30. NOTE TO HILL FAMILY, both familial members & camp followers: This is the last countdown you'll get from me! ** Read this & weep.
Fathers' Day Follow-up Whimsy
If you followed the "conversation" including Sarah [my oldest daughter], Nathan [my son] & me on Fathers' Day, you know that "I" posted that Sarah provided my best Fathers' Day present . . . Well, my clever daughter {'Clevuh guhl . . . " * ] had pilfered my iPad & accessed my FB account while I assumed *** I was in a safe & secure locale . . . I was mistaken.Subsequently, rightfully quizzical responses to my pseudo-post ensued . . . I responded . . . I may or may not have implied that Sarah's present(s) may or may not have included "freebies" from a National Guard event . . . which elicited a response from my son Nathan who implied . . . given his frequent forays to running expos & other such events . . . that he would no longer have to spring for expensive Fathers' Day presents for me.
* Phonetic rendering of clever, possibly obscure cultural reference from original Jurassic Park movie **
** "Clever," as always when referring to my blogs, being a relative term.
*** And you know what happens when one assumes. ****
**** In the interest of trying to keep this blog as family-friendly as possible, I will try to stop this strand of dialogue . . . NOW.
I feel compelled to set the record straight . . . on behalf of salvaging . . . if possible . . . my daughter's reputation . . . Yes, that's the sort of father I am . . . so I'm determined to document how all three of my loyal children gifted me on Fathers' day . . . also . . . perhaps regrettably . . . how they may have inherited some vestiges of their father's humor DNA . . .
My Youngest Daughter Rachel
On the evening of SUN 6/19, my daughter Rachel, accompanied by my son-in-law Derek & grand-son Bentley, hand-delivered, despite the late evening hour & another stop to be made at her father-in-law's . . .- Archer Farm pistachios [I sampled them on MON 6/20 . . . They were delicious.]
- An Aladdin heavy-duty travel mug . . .
- A package of Starbucks, whole bean, espresso beans [which I will grind & use as soon as I finish my current supply of Seattle's Best Dark #5).
My Oldest Daughter Sarah
On the morning of SUN 6/19, Sarah presented a gift bag to me . . . while I was sitting in the front seat of our car . . . getting ready to head to Bible class @ Trinity Lutheran Church in Lincoln [Yes, you might say she was delighted with her gifts & couldn't wait until we all got together at her house after church.] . . . You should know that she & Craig attended a National Guard event in Lincoln on SAT 6/18, & Sarah accumulated quite a few "trinkets." I have thoughtfully color-coded those items.
- 2016 National Park Service Centennial Mug [You can never have too many coffee mugs.]
- Book: Off the Beaten Path Nebraska. {I'm looking forward to reading it . . . after I read the current book I'm working on . . . to find out which, if any, of these places I've already visited . . . I smell road trips in my future!]
- Book: The Elephant in Room-Sharing the Secrets for Pursuing Real Financial Success."
- A Humana lanyard
- 2 Dept. of Veterans Affairs plastic cups (blue)
- Dept. of Veterans Affairs stress "squeeze" ball (blue)
- VA Health Care business card holder
- Dept. of Veteran Affairs plastic pill holder (daily compartments, 1 week)
- NE National Guard Magic Grip jar opener
- United Health Care sticky notes pad [not a tiny pad either]
- Dept. of Veterans Affairs plastic band-aid holder
- VA Health Care pocket-size, plastic mini-flashlight
- First Command blue & silver, heavy duty key chain
- NE National Guard anti-baceteriala spray
- Military One Source clip-on lanyard w/retractable cord [Both Craig & Sarah warned me that this cord was NOT capable for use to rappel down a building.]
- "Support our Troops" rubber wristband
- Assortment of pens from United Health Care, VA Health Care, Dept. of Veterans Affairs, Military One Source
My Oldest Child & Son Nathan
Awaiting me in the mail when Lois & I returned to Norfolk from Lincoln on SUN 6/19, was a large, color, glossy, picture collage, containing these pictures:
- Calvin & me
- Calvin, Nathan & me x 2 different pictures
- Calvin, Bentley & me
- Lois, Calvin & me
Criminal Minds
From Norfolk Daily News (6/14): "Not dead. A Virginia hospital is apologizing after accidentally sending a sympathy card to the family of a woman who's still alive . . . Marilyn Mullins received a card from the chaplain . . . almost a month and a half after her 3-day stay there. The card, which was addressed to Mullins' family, said her family was in the hospital's thoughts after her death. The only problem is that Mullins is still alive . . . " [I can neither confirm nor deny that when contacted, the chaplain's reply was, "Have you checked your pulse recently? What makes you so sure that YOU are a medical expert?"]Wide, Wacky World of Celebrities
Tagline from Drudge Report (5/11): "Bieber INSTA Meltdown: No More Fan Photos! . . . " [I had my hair cut recently by a stylist who had been to a Justin Bieber concert. I must admit that it is somewhat intimidating to be in the presence of a true "Believer."]From Omaha World Herald (5/24): "Angelina Jolie to teach at London School of Economics. Oscar-winning actress & activist Angelina Jolie has been appointed a visiting professor at one of Britain's most prestigious universities. The London School of economics announced MON that Jolie will be working w/students studying for a master's degree in Women, Peace & Security." [Because first & foremost the LSE vets its professor's carefully, mindful only of the academic credentials & pedagogical skills that they can contribute to this venerable institution of higher education.]
Food for Thought
Also from OWH (5/31): "Americans no longer bowled over by cereal. General Mills, Kellogg fight the trend by marketing snacks to millennials. Ashley Peters is the kind of consumer who cereal makers such as General Mills court as well as fear. She grew up eating breakfast cereal--from Cheerios to Cap'n Crunch--& now, at age 30, she's part of the coveted millennial demographic. Today, Peters usually reaches for a granola bar at breakfast, which she often eats on the job . . . " [Growing up, our house-hold staples were Cheerios, shredded wheat, Wheaties . . . Am I forgetting anything, Mark & Carolyn? FYI, since you are most likely eager to know, here is a list of my current, favorite standbys.- Varieties of instant oatmeal, mostly high fiber & containing cinnamon {rumored to have blood-sugar-lowering properties, topped w/fruit, sometimes w/a dash of half & half . . . an acknowledgment of my age & health . . . but I have grown to enjoy it}.
- Caramel-frosted, cinnamon-brown sugar pop tarts.
- Cocoa Pebbles.
- Breakfast burritos from McDonald's.
There Is No Place Like . . .
California?
Also from OWH (6/20): "26,500 car break-ins fuel San Francisco feud. Across the street from San Francisco's main jail, business is booming at Auto Glass Now, where more than a dozen motorists show up on an average day to replace windows broken by thieves. 'It's been insane,' said Julio Lara, the shop's manager, who says nearby competitors are busy as well. 'It's nonstop.'
"San Francisco is in the grips of an auto burglary epidemic. No other place in the country--not New York, Chicago or L.A.--had as many 'Smash-&-grabs' per capita as S.F. last year . . . " [I'm not sure where the "feud" aspect of this story applies. When I visit w/family members at our upcoming Hill Family Summer Reunion 2016, I'm hoping that they can enlighten me.]
Nebraska!
Also from OWH (6/22): "Giant taquitos, walking tacos & more at CWS. If there's one thing you can say about the fans dining at the College World Series, it's that they're not afraid to talk food. They're also not averse to sharing. 'You want a bite?' was maybe the 2nd thing Jacky Jensen asked me when I approached her & her friend, Jeannie Franson, after I saw them walking away from the concession stand holding one of this year's hot new CWS food items: the South O Giant Taquitos.
"I refused (a Reuben sausage was in my own dinner plans) but I did have my own questions for the two Ft Calhoun women. Namely, why? Why would you order an $18, foot-long duo of fried taquitos, filled w/chipotle chicken & cheddar jack cheese sitting on a veritable sea of shredded lettuce, all topped w/sour cream, 'zesty' chili lime cream & pico de gallo?
"'Our husbands made us come & get it,' Jensen said, laughing . . . " [Yes, Nebraska is home to many women who still understand the Biblical principle of submission to the husband as head of the house . . . and, no, I do not care to get into a theological discussion.]
Political Whimsy
CAVEAT: This is NOT political potpourri!
Also from OWH (4/9): "Global warming is changing how Earth wobbles. Scientists say the shift to the east is harmless but also meaningful . . . " [Dept. of Imaginary Headlines: "Scientists blame global warming for male-pattern baldness--say it's harmless but also meaningful."]Also from NDN (6/21): "Hillary Clinton's VP search more intense . . . " [Rumors that I was on the short-list, due to the attention I've garnered from my blog, thanks to the link on the NDN web site, turned out to be just that . . . rumors.]
Also from NDN editorial page (6/21): An editorial cartoon was printed, depicting a historical marker, inscribed w/SWSNBN's picture & the following inscription: "Fort Dodge. The last time the national media was granted the honor of a press conference w/SWSNBN during the 2016 Democratic Primary was on this site on Dec. 4th, 2015." [I've been by or through Ft. Dodge.]
Also from NDN (6/22): "Obama to sign toxic chemical rules . . . " [Being the English major that I am, my first reaction to this headline was, is this article about "toxic" chemical rules or "toxic chemical" rules? Naturally, I didn't bother to read on.]
Some Closing Whimsy
Also from NDN (6/22): "Papyrus w/Jesus' wife' likely a fake, professor says . . . " [I can neither confirm nor deny that Jesus' support for global climate change does lend a certain measure of credibility to this manuscript.]Dept. of Dialogue from Comics *
* You have to use your imagination . . . Sorry.Pearls Before Swine from Minneapolis Star Tribune (date??):
Goat: Look at that bird sitting on the automatic sprinkler.
Pig: Yeah. That's Benny the Flightless Robin.
Goat: Why's he just sitting there?
Pig: He's hoping that one day the sprinkler will turn on & pop him up into the air giving him the illusion of flight.
Benny: That, and it's cheaper than a bidet.
Goat: That's both sad & revolting.
Benny: A little privacy please.
Pearls Before Swine from OWH (6/13):
Sound: Phone ringing.
Goat: Aren't you gonna get that?
Rat: No, it's just the house phone.
Goat: So?
Rat: So the only people who still call on the house phone are telemarketers & people w/the wrong number.
Goat: When did our home phone become the least effective means of reaching us?
Rat: I just keep it in case I ever need to strangle someone?
Ditto (6/14):
Goat: What are you doing, Rat?
Rat: Selling surplus drones I bought from the Pentagon. They're for regular folk.
Goat: To do what?
Rat: Spy on bad neighbors. Intimidate them, or, if you just can't see eye-to-eye, level their house.
Goat: You're insane! Who wants to use a drone to level their neighbor's house?
Rat: You really underestimate people.
First person in a very lone line of people: I have a coupon for the Hellfire missiles.
Ditto (6/22):
Goat: What are you doing, Rat?
Rat (standing in front of a coffin, labeled "SAID"): Holding a funeral for the word "said."
Goat: What happened to the word "said?"
One lady speaking to another: So the Rat goes "Come to the funeral." And I'm like "Why?" And he's all, "You'll see."
Goat: Never mind.
The Flying McCoy's from OWH (6/22): A drawing of a glass door. The inscription on the door reads, "Jehovah's Witnesses Hall." A sign posted beneath this inscription reads, "NO SOLICITING."
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