TUE 6/9 DEPT. OF SHAMELESS JOKE-STEALING *
*Courtesy of Reader's Digest"Meet the Most Absurd Hollywood Cliches" (July-Aug 2019)
- Hello, I am a person using a phone in a movie. I don't say goodbye before I hand up. I just stop talking & put the phone down & the person on the other end somehow just knows I'm not there anymore.
- Hello, I'm a nurse in a movie. I sit at the desk & know nothing but visiting hours & the location of every patient & doctor in the hospital.
- Hi, I'm the best friend of a murder victim. Even though the police come to my workplace to question me about my dear friend, I'll jut unload this truck or clear these busy tables as we talk instead of giving them my full attention.
- Hello, I'm the Golden Gate Bridge in a movie. I will be destroyed.
"Laugh Lines" (July-Aug 2019)
- Zyzzyva, zyst, zyxt . . . Noah's Webster's last words.
- If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00 p.m. until I get escorted out by security.
- People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
"Trick or Tweet" (Oct. 2019)
- The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half a horse.
- Halloween is my favorite holiday, where you can trespass on a straner's property & make a nonnegotiable demand.
- ME: Wow, nice costume. COP: Step out of the car, sir.
"Never Say Never" (Oct. 2019)
- Never give up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver. (Milton Jones)
- Never answer an anonymous letter. (Yogi Berra)
- Never slap a man while he is chewing tobacco. (Will Rogers)
"Laugh Lines" (Oct. 2019)
- I would die first in a horror movie because I refuse to spend the last few minutes of my life running.
"Laugh Lines" (Nov. 2019)
- I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in & give you cake.
- People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
- Any job is a dream . job if you fall asleep in meetings.
"Laugh Lines" (Dec. 2019)
- My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials, so of course I have to tell her they don't exist in real life, just on TV.
- If the Lego Movie is about anything other than parents cursing after stepping on Legos, it's not based on a true story.
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