Bison + Saggy Pants + Celebrities + Bonus Feature

whimsical WED

Wednesday's Whimsy . . . Home on the Range

From Omaha World Herald-column by Irene North (5/10):  "Bison represent what nation values. As I left Old Faithful Inn for a hike w/my family in Yellowstone National Park, I noticed a bison, sitting less than 12" from the driver's door of our rental van. My mother-in-law asked how I was going to get in & drive. 'I'll get in from the passenger side & climb over,' I said. 'I'm not going anywhere near that thing.' 
      "I really wanted to go near it. I wanted to touch it, mostly because I've never felt its fur. Is it coarse? Is it soft? . . . The National Bison Legacy Act . . . will make the bison the first national mammal of the U.S. According to the Washington Post, the bison represents the country's first successful foray into the wildlife conservation . . . " [I love bison--& I can totally relate to what this writer is saying. When Lois & I lived in Chicago, we bought bison steaks. She wasn't quite as enthusiastic as I was, & I made an unfortunate decision to start singing "Home on the Range" during supper. She refused to finish her steak, & it was a long time before we bought & ate bison meat again.]

Also from OWH (5/14):  "For $6,000, you get a big housebroken bison. An 8-yr-old bison named Bullet has outgrown its (Argyle) TX home, & the owner wants to find a new place for the 1,000-lb pet to roam. Karen Scheme said that Bullet is occasionally allowed inside the family's house but needs more space & grassland. She says the bison is tame & housebroken. Bullet is for sale for almost $6,000." [Sadly . . . 

1. We don't have an extra $6,000 to spare.
2. I'm not sure our city codes would allow us to keep a bison in the backyard.
3. Lois says "absolutely NOT" to allowing a bison in the house, whether it's house-broken or not.
4. Not sure how Sammy would adapt.
5. Not sure how neighbors would react when taking Bullet for a walk.

From Sioux City Journal (7/5):  "4 people injured this year by bison at Custer State Park in S.D. Bison have injured 4 people in Custer State Park this year, despite warnings that the animals are dangerous & shouldn't be approached, park official say. The attacks have come after a 5-yr stretch of no such incidents . . . " [After seeing how close some people got to bison when we were in Yellowstone National Park last summer, I'm not surprised. DEPT OF IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS:  Husband: "I'm getting out of the car to take a picture of this bison." Wife: "That bison is only 5' away from our vehicle." Husband: "How about if you pose with your arm around the bison's cute, shaggy, sharp-horned head?" Wife: "Okay."]

There Is No Place Like . . . 

South Carolina!

Also from OWH (7/7): "S.C. town bans sagging pants, threatens fines. Wearing saggy pants could get expensive in Timmonsville, SC. A new town ordinance approved this week outlaws wearing sagging pants, trousers or shorts that intentionally display a person's underwear. After initial warnings, 3rd & subsequent offenses carry a fine ranging from $110-$600 . . . " [I protest this egregious violation of free speech! . . . No I don't! Ha ha ha ha ha! Lock the door & throw away the key!]

Food for Thought

From Norfolk Daily News (7/8):  "Healthy contest. An event at a (Buffalo) NY food festival is being billed as the world's healthiest eating championship. Competitors sanctioned by Major League Eating are famous for downing hot dogs by the dozen but will compete for the 'Kale Up' at this year's Taste of Buffalo food festival on SAT. They'll have 8 Min. to consume as much of the leafy green vegetable as possible. The winner will take home $2,000." [Kale? Eating championship? TASTE of Buffalo? This is heresy . . . & you deserve whatever notoriety results from this travesty, you blue state!]

Wonderful Wide World of Wacky Celebrities

From Minneapolis Star Tribune (6/30):  "Cher uses bomb emoji in her tweet about Istanbul. Cher outraged the internet by tweeting her sympathies to the victims of TUE's Istanbul airport bombings...w/a bomb emoji & an explosion emoji Uh...'We will pray for innocent ppl in turkey airport,' wrote the 70-yr-old, before adding the figures for some reason . . . " [This may erase memories of "Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves."]

Also from OWH (7/18):  "Colbert crashes RNC. A video posted online shows 'Late Show' host Stephen Colbert taking over the microphone on stage in Cleveland in a 'Hunger'Games'-themed prank at the site of the Republican national Convention. The video shows Colbert behind the podium . . . banging a gavel. A man who appears to be security then confronts Colbert, who said 'I know I'm not supposed to be up here, but let's be honest, neither is Donald Trump." [It might be time for a new category:  "Wonderful, Wide World or Wacky One-Trick Pony Celebrities."]

Criminal Minds

From USA Today (7/6):  "Fireworks footage blows up in PBS' face. PBS apologized early TUE after a storm of criticism for airing old 4th of July footage during a live broadcast of the July 4th fireworks in Washington, D.C. The station, which first tweeted that the footage was 'the patriotic thing to do' because it was difficult to view the fireworks in foggy weather, said it was sorry for 'any confusion' the scenes had caused . . . " [First, note that this is what is called a "qualified" apology. Second, would we really expect anything less from a PBS affiliate? DEPT OF IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS:  Studio Technician: "It's really overcast tonight, & I'm not sure how well the live fireworks display will televise." Studio Executive: "Well, we haven't done anything to insult our audience's intelligence or deceive them this week, so how about airing old 4th of July footage to see if anybody notices?" Technician: "Okay."] 

Cheerful News for English Majors *

Also from OWH (4/10):  **  "Science shows how Moby Dick could totally have sunk that whaling ship. It took Herman Melville 135 chapters to get to the part in his 1851 classic 'Moby Dick' when the massive sperm whale & the peg-legged Captain Ahab finally do battle. No spoiler here:  Moby Dick wins, smashing his enormous head into Ahab's ship, the Pequod & sinking it.
      "But it took 165 years for an international team of scientists to finally solve this burning question:  Would a sperm whale actually use its massive noggin as a battering ram to down a whaling ship 5X the animal's size? The short answer:  It probably could--& live to tell the tale . . . " [A novel like "Moby Dick" could never get published today due to the likely protests of P.E.T.S.W.w.A.M.I. *** ]
* As if I owed anybody an explanation, I am a secondary English major.
** This may be outdated, but it's my blog.
*** People for the Ethical Treatment of Sperm Whales with Anger Management Issues

Political Whimsy

Also from OWH (7/17):  "What To Watch-RNC 2016 Cleveland. Security . . . Because Ohio is an open-carry gun state, protesters who are legally allowed to carry firearms can do so without permits. But people are banned from carrying 72 other items, including tennis balls & bicycle padlocks. As a result, protesters & counter protesters can't bring water guns but can bring assault rifles."  [A victory for super soaker rights advocates!]

Also from MST-column by Gail Collins (6/27):  "Tell-all book falls short on Clinton facts. I am so excited to tell you that we're returning to the question of whether or not Hillary Clinton threw a vase at her husband in the White House. Really, this one hasn't come up for about 20 years. But Gary Byrne says he saw the pieces! In a Box! Byrne is a former Secret Service officer who has written a tell-all book, 'Crisis of Character,' about the (horrible/embarrassing/appalling) incidents he purportedly witnessed during the Bill Clinton presidency.) . . . " [As a bonus feature, I include the following multiple-choice item.] 

Which of the following statements is most accurate?

1. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is a spear-carrier for the corrupt Clintonista's.
2. Gail Collins is a boot-licking lackey of the looney Clintonista's.
3. By "falls short" this writer means "No one could possibly publish a book big enough to include ALL the facts.
4. All of the above.

Hiatus Announced

My blog will be on hiatus the week of July 26-30. *
* Which is just as well, since my diatribes are being to sound, well, just like diatribes.