GREAT REASONS TO STAY IN CALIFORNIA *

* Compliments of the Babylon Bee

> Your cardboard box will be worth $3 million some day.

> If you identify as black, you have a decent chance of scoring millions in reparations soon.

> There are beautiful natural sights like the warm glow of forest fires lighting up the skies.

> Everyone will soon be gone & then there will be no lines at Disneyland.

> Everything at CVS is free.

> When you pay your massive state tax bill, you get a sense of satisfaction that you're supporting some hobo's fentanyl addiction.

> Law-abiding citizens don't have guns, so these is never any crime. It's science!

> There's great weather outside of fire season, drought season, & deadly mudslide season.

> You can go camping right on the sidewalk.

> Best of all, the government will make all your decisions for you.

DEPT. OF SHAMELESS JOKE-STEALING *

* Compliments of Reader's Digest

> Always eat before a mtg. Even a lunch mtg. Because hungry people say things they regret. (Mar/Apr 2022)

> A turtle walks into a bar & orders a glass of water. The bartender hands the turtle the water & watches him slowly walk off. The next day the turtle returns & orders another glass of water, then again, inches away. This goes on for a few days until the bartender finally asks, Instead of water, wouldn't you like a beer? A snack?" "Not now!" shouts the turtle. My house is on fire!" (June 2022)

> A dolt, walking down the street, sees a banana peel ahead & says, "Here we go again." (ditto)

> A dolt & her father are in their yard when the father says, "Look, a dead bird!" The dolt looks up & says, "Where?" (ditto)

> My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day. (ditto)

> I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well, not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair. (ditto)

> Me at school drop off:  "Have a good day." Six-year-old:  "You can't make me!" (Sept 2022)

> Me:  "Yes, you were in my belly." My 3-year-old, with tears in his eyes:  "Why ... why did you eat me?" (ditto)

> My uncle was in the hospital when a nurse walked into his room & asked him, "Do you use oxygen?" With an incredulous look on his face, my uncle replied, "Doesn't everybody?" (Oct 2022)

> My kid asked me if he could stop wearing his Spider-Man coast outside because he's tired of people mistaking him for a superhero. (ditto)

> That's the job for me! Great British Bake-Off but you pair contestants with a 3-year-old who wants to help. (ditto)

> Not to brag, but I just filled up my gas tank & doubled the value of my car. (ditto)

> I love hanging out at my apartment. All my stuff is here. (Mar/Apr 2023)

> Remembering that time in my grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, received a random call:  Drunk guy (bar noises in background):  IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR? My advisor:  Um ...  yes? Drunk guy:  DO HUMMING BIRDS HAVE FEET? My advisor ...  Yes. (wild cheering over phone from bar). (ditto)

> My glass coffin company Remains To Be Seen is not doing as well as I thought it would. (ditto)

> A musician hears of a loner who dies with no friends or next of kin. Touched, he decides to go to the funeral & play his bagpipes as a tribute. Lost on his way to the gravesite, he finally arrives an hour late to find two men shoveling dirt back into the hole in the ground. The musician jumps out of the car, pulls on his bagpipes & proceeds to play "Amazing Grace." It's so beautiful that the two men stop shoveling to wipe away a few tears. "That," says one to the other, "is the most fitting tribute I have ever witnessed to the installation of a septic tank." (ditto)

> Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun & other times you do it not to die. (ditto)

> A woman walks into a library & asks the librarian if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!" (ditto)

> A man asks the librarian if she has any books on turtles. "Hardback?" asks the librarian?" "Yes," he says, "And little heads." (ditto)

> A drunk goes up to the desks & shouts, "I'll have a burger, fries, & a milkshake." The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library!" "Sorry," he says & whispers, "I'll have a burger, fries, & a milkshake." (ditto)