HIP UPDATE

I'm making progress. I went into work again yesterday. And I'm upping my steps every day. I walked 3,288 steps on MON & over 4,865 yesterday, thanks to an exceptionally long walk in our neighborhood. Well, I overdid it. I think I'm going to try 2 shorter walks every day instead of one humongous one.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND . . . 

Is being a stinker. Lois took Sammy to the vet's yesterday to get his rabies shot & treatment for his chronic ear infections. I'm confident that we've spent more on his ears than we ever did for our kids. So, he's supposed to take 3 pills X 2 each day, & ear drops, also X 2 each day. We made it work yesterday, thanks to pill pockets & a sock-muzzle. Today, however, he's having none of it. When we tried to give him his pills, he spit them out. And when we tried to give him his ear drops, he struggled so violently against his collar that he actually started choking. Now what?!

CRIMINAL MINDS

"Man busted for striking girl-friend with thrown cheeseburger." Drudge Report, 8/15. COMMENT:  This happened at a Burger King IN FLORIDA.

"A Norfolk man was arrested on MON after his attempt at purchasing liquor went awry. At 10:12a, Norfolk police were called to a business in the 1300 block of Norfolk Ave. for a report of a counterfeit bill, said Capt Michael Bauer. Employees advised that a man had attempted to purchase a bottle of vodka with a counterfeit $100 bill. The responding officer examined the bill, which contained the text "PLAY MONEY" on various parts of it, making it easily recognizable as counterfeit, Bauer said. Officers had contact with 33-year-old Taylor Nelson of Norfolk & spoke with him about attempting to pass the bill. After speaking with Nelson, he was placed under arrest on suspicion of 1st degree forgery." Norfolk Daily News, 8.16

"Florida woman arrested for calling 911 over 12,000 times this year." Fox News Online, 8/17. Because, Florida.

HERE'S TO YOUR HEALTH

"Daily bowl of grapes can add 5 years to lifespan." Source? COMMENT:  Can wine be substituted? My sisters-in-law want to know.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"Restaurants in deep-blue cities starved for diners while FL is feasting." FNO

Delicious foods that used to be considered gross *

* Source:  cracked.com

15. Lobster. Love it.

14. Chicken wings. Love 'em.

13. Potatoes. Well, duh.

12. Foie gras (fattened goose liver)

11. Sushi. Love it. So do my wife & kids.

10. Salmon. Lois loves it. Me? Not so much.

9. Peanuts. I'm eating some right now.

8. Oatmeal. It's OK, especially with brown sugar.

7. Mushrooms. Saute'd in butter? Yes!

6. Polenta (basically mashed corn)

5. Garlic. It's OK.

4. Tuna. I like tuna salad sandwiches. In Hawaii it's called ahi, & we enjoyed ahi steaks.

3. Oysters. I like 'em, even on the half-shell. Especially in oyster soup. Used to have smoked oysters as an appetizer every Thanksgiving.

2. Quinoa. Not a fan. Grows in ditches.

1. Burgers (at one time ground beef was seen as unclean). I'm from Nebraska. Of course I like burgers!

TRENDING FROM BABYLON BEE

Subtle hints that your wife may be mad at you.

* She says, "Hey, I'm mad at you right now."

* Above your house is a sky-writer currently forming the words "I'm mad at you."

* A toaster is currently hurtling towards your head.

* She says, "Everything is fine," but she is weeping & pounding her fists on a couch pillow.

* She's currently chasing you around the dining room table with a meat tenderizer.

* She unsubscribed from your podcast.

* She burnt the meatloaf, which is normal, but there are also razor blades.

* She drove a tent spike through your head while you were sleeping & is now in prison.

DEPT. OF SHAMELESS JOKE-STEALING *

* Compliments of Reader's Digest, Feb. 2022

Looking for a job? Be sure to proofread your resume. Here are some actual blunders made by job seekers.

> I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.

> I can edit & improve any document someone puts in front of me. I love animals too!

> Drove a toe truck.

> Restaurant supervisor:  Made recipes for sandwiches & coffee. I even had a sandwich named after me.

> My long period of unemployment had to do with a variety of unexpected time-consuming events--an IRS audit of my finances, in particular.

> References:  My girlfriend.

> I am looking for a rate of either $120 per day or $120 per hour.

>  Accomplishments:  Dum major with my high school band.

> Education:  I took all of the required classes in high school, including government, literature, & history of rock.

> My shirt is always tucked in.

TRUST IN AMERICAN INSTITUTIONS

"The specter of armed federal agents outside Trump's Florida home is not an image I suspect many of us are comfortable with. Even those who do not like Trump and hope he does not run for president in 2024 should be alarmed at how this focus on him is contributing to what has been a long slide in the trust Americans place in our institutions.

"In 1973, when the Gallup organization began polling on the subject, 42 percent of respondents had a "great deal/quite a lot" of confidence in Congress. This year that number is just 7 percent. In 1991, 73 percent of the public had a great deal/quite a lot of confidence in the presidency. This year only 23 percent feel that way. 

"Confidence in the criminal justice system has reached a new low with just 14 percent coming down on the side of great deal/quite a lot. Is it any wonder with stories of woke prosecutors freeing criminals with low or no bail only to see many of them commit new crimes?

"In what should be a warning to the media - a warning that has been apparent for many years--confidence in the trustworthiness of newspapers has declined from a high of 51 percent in 1979, to a record low of 16 percent today. Confidence in TV news reflects a similar drop - from 46 percent in 1993, to the current 11 percent. Perhaps some introspection by the media as to the "root causes" might be beneficial to the profession and the public.

"Gallup has recorded similar declines in confidence levels for other institutions, including the church (no wonder with all the scandals and some TV evangelists still living the lifestyles of potentates as opposed to that of the One they claim to follow). It may surprise many that the police, which have been under heavy assault from various liberal groups, continue to enjoy major support. Gallup found 45 percent have a great deal/quite a lot of confidence in the police, down only from 52 percent in 1993.

"No foreign power could hope to undermine the pillars of our democracy better than we are doing ourselves. Serious attention to rebuilding these and other institutions, which can lead to restoring confidence in them, is urgently required." Cal Thomas, Townhall 8/16