Mental Health Monday

IT'S SAT 6/27! This is a re-post of my original entry that has been re-edited by both my son Nathan & me.

This probably won't be the post you're expecting, since we've been gone since 6/11, on our 40th Anniversary Odyssey, which took us to stops @ Scotts Bluff, Ft. Laramie, Grand Tetons and Yellowstone National Parks, Little Bighorn Battlefield National Historic Site, and Wall Drug, but it's really, REALLY time to get serious about my blog now, establish a rhythm, whatever. "Mental Health Monday" has a nice, alliterative tone to it, doesn't it? You'll hear more about our trek in upcoming posts.

Since August of 1996, I have served as both the executive director and principal of Lutheran High Northeast in Norfolk, NE. Many of you (at least family members) know that early last November I took an indefinite personal medical leave due to what in layperson's terms would best be described as "burnout." I've been through this before, but not as bad. For all practical purposes, things had gotten to the point where I just couldn't function at a level necessary for me to conduct my ministry effectively as head administrator at Lutheran High.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression back in 2004 and have struggled with that condition off and on ever since. That is a more medically-accurate term than burn-out by the way. For the most part it was been well under control, thanks to some off-again-on-again clinical therapy, along with medication under the supervision of a psychiatrist. I am absolutely, 100% convinced that I have a family history of depression, exacerbated by personal behavior choices, whereby I have have not done myself any favors. Two caveats:  First, my conclusion re:  a family history, should not be taken a license to draw your own conclusions about other family members; and secondly, I take full responsibility (mostly) for my Type A, workaholic personality, which has contributed to my condition. 

In any case, I began to notice that I was slipping into a depressive state by the spring of 2013, helped along by some physical issues, including a series of cluster headaches, a lower back injury, insomnia, surgery (successful!) for prostate cancer the following November, a pinched nerve in my groin (side effect of the surgery, which led to more insomnia), an inability to manage stress positively, poor diet and exercise choices . . . political machinations of one of our parties, no, wait, I'm saving my political rants for another day . . . you get the picture.

I was not able to get the things done last summer (2014) that I count to bring closure to the school year and prepare for the next school year. Minor things like newly revised handbooks, department budgets, expedient financial aid decisions were taking me increasingly longer periods of time to stay on top of. Keep in mind that my headaches during March-June 2013 & surgery + complications in November 2013 had added to getting dug into that hole, along with added teaching responsibilities on top of my administrative responsibilities.

Necessary administrative responsibilities, minor things like preparing for Board meetings, processing the results, and preparing for faculty meetings and inservice, were taking me longer than ever. Keeping up with observations, supervising faculty and staff adequately--it was too much to handle. It was becoming evident to my administrative and office staff, not to mention my faculty, that something had to give.

Then there was my long-suffering wife, who was telling me, and rightfully so, that my solution to my problem was only making things worse. My solution? Work with my doctor to find better medications to keep me going...begin clinical therapy again...work longer hours and add Saturday mornings, no, wait...all day Saturdays, no, let's add Sundays from after I left church until time to go home to supper.

Bottom line? By October it was becoming obviously clear to me, my family, my faculty, staff, children, Board, and neighbors (well, maybe not neighbors, although I wasn't keeping up with yardwork) that I could not sustain my pace at work, and necessary work wasn't getting done. So the Board and I reached the conclusion that I needed to go on an indefinite personal medical leave in early November until at least after Christmas break. 

At the "intervention" it was sort of put to me like this, "It would be better for you to cooperate with us about this decision," and I couldn't disagree. Our Nebraska District President got involved, too, and I went on disability around the middle of November.

I need to wrap this up, so here goes. (Well, with me the phrase "wrap this up" is always relative.") What I thought would get cleared up by the end of Christmas break stretched into January, then the end of February into March. Lois I went to Shepherd's Canyon Retreat in Arizona toward the end of January--truly a God-directed experience--we came back with more clarity of direction for me, although not totally. 

Upon returning from the trip, I told my the my school board:
(a) I needed more personal leave time. 
(b) I wasn't sure that I saw myself returning on a full time basis with the same amount of responsibilities.
(c) I fully understood my status as a called worker, submitting to their authority as my calling body.
(d) I would abide by their decision and timeline as to my role at Lutheran High Northeast.

If, after that length of time, I could not say I would be able to return in full capacity, they would say, "Okay, Paul, we can't keep extending your leave indefinitely. We need an answer from you. Do you think you can return? If so, in what capacity and when, because we need to move forward for the sake of the Lutheran High."

At that point I was seeing my psychiatrist, as needed, for management of my psychotropic medications, getting clinical counseling from a licensed therapist on a weekly basis,seeking semi-regular counseling from the LCMS Nebraska District President, and listening to the advice of wise friends and family members. 

I had also undergone a neuro-psych evaluation, and my Board had made it clear to me that they would not let me return without some type of official "clearance" from my mental health team. In other words, they wouldn't just take my word for it. I couldn't give them a call and say, "I'm feeling much better and I'll be back at work one week from today."

My official, formal, mental health diagnoses are clinical depression, a general anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. There's more, but that's all you need to know for now. Back in the day they may have called this a "nervous breakdown," but I am a "high-functioning" example who doesn't totally fit the mold. (Charlie Brown walking around with a rain cloud over his head all the time? Not me.)

In March I was informed by my board president and pastoral advisor that the board had determined it was in both my best interest and Lutheran High's best interest for them to begin the call process for a new principal. I would not be returning as head administrator, although I would retain my title as "executive director" so as not to jeopardize my disability status.

I would have liked for them to discuss this decision with me before making the decision without me. Yet having said that, I am pretty sure that I'm not in the right frame of mind to resume FT work, probably not even PT. In other words, (he said quietly), "I still have issues which have yet to be resolved."

Writing seems to help, and I've received encouragement to use it as a continued form of "therapy." My therapist even thinks maybe this blog could be a sort of help for others with similar mental health challenges. I'm not sure I'm ready to give myself that much credit, but today's entry it a start.